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Nene chokes on curry as pantyhose saves my heart

Vusi Nzapheza Straight & 2 Beers
Former finance minister Nhlanhla Nene fell on his sword after revealing he was entertained by the Guptas at their Saxonwold compound in Joburg.
Former finance minister Nhlanhla Nene fell on his sword after revealing he was entertained by the Guptas at their Saxonwold compound in Joburg.
Image: Siphiwe Sibeko/ Reuters

Nobody saw it coming. I was under the knife when finance minister Nhlanhla Nene packed and left.

The strings holding my achy breaky heart together were starting to make my chest too tight.

The doctors cut my chest open and replaced the cable ties holding my aorta together with pantyhose.

The hosiery may be produced to adorn the female derriere, thighs and legs but many of you will remember many other uses such as tying hair locks when braided. Pantyhose also proved effective to shine my shoes back in my school days. So yes, I am proud that this intimate piece of the female accessory now resides close to my heart, literally.

The surgery went exceedingly well, more so since the patient survived. I was terribly apprehensive ahead of the operation. The first time I went under the scalpel, I was mercifully unconscious long before they wheeled me in, but this time I checked myself in.

I've read about patients catching pneumonia and croaking after successful surgery or sometimes having the wrong limb amputated by mistake. I showed up in hospital wearing a chastity belt just in case an exuberant surgeon cuts the wrong limb while I'm lying there helplessly.

The only side effect from my surgery has been a strong attraction to pantyhose. It manifested before I left the hospital when a pantyhose-wearing nurse showed up in my ward. Weak as I still was, I lunged at her like a dog in heat before I was restrained.

The doctors advised me to stay indoors until my pantyhose fetish subsides.

Anyway, back to Nene and company. Nobody saw his fall coming, just like 10 years ago when he fell off his chair during a televised broadcast.

Most of the beans being spilled at justice Zondo's state capture commission have been spilled before. The media had long exposed the shenanigans behind state capture. As a result, we know who did what and where the bodies are buried.

The narrative framed Nene as one of the good guys and his testimony before Zondo would shed light on how he resisted the pressure from the bad guys to do the wrong things.

Nene rose to the occasion and exposed the shenanigans of his colleagues and former boss but he went further. He admitted to visiting the Saxonwold shebeen and being served dollops of curry by the Guptas.

It took that one sentence for the dark cloud to gather around Nene's head. It was like the man whose firing in 2015 by Jacob Zuma had spooked the rand had disclosed that he had danced with Lucifer.

His downfall did not follow the script. After all, we know of his colleagues who danced to the Saxonwold tune and still serve in cabinet. Calls for them to fall on their swords have fallen on deaf ears.

The Buffalo grabbed Nene's unusual request to leave with open horns.

The Zondo commission has claimed its first casualty and we are baying for more blood. However, I doubt if we are going to see another minister fall any time soon.

The rogues implicated in state capture do not have one bone of remorse in their anatomy.

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