Sex Olympics a chance for Mzansi's men to stand for something positive

With SA doing so badly in unemployment, crime and maths literacy, it is uplifting to know that its men were rated 5th in the world when it comes to performance in the bedroom, says the writer.
With SA doing so badly in unemployment, crime and maths literacy, it is uplifting to know that its men were rated 5th in the world when it comes to performance in the bedroom, says the writer.
Image: Alon Skuy

In all the doom and gloom hanging over South Africa, it is difficult to come across good news these days.

Wretched as we are told hell will be, I doubt the unemployment statistics in Satan's inferno are as bad as what we are seeing in the land of Ramaphosa. With 26% of our working-age population without a job, this country is really on its knees.

As if that is not enough, our crime stats have put Mzansi up there among countries racked by civil war, though we are supposed to be at peace. Rape and murder is the staple of daily headlines. It's so bad that even our toddlers are not safe from rapists - at a restaurant, of all places.

Depressingly, South Africa also rates close to the bottom when it comes to mathematical literacy of our students. Imagine my joy when I stumbled upon a bit of cheery news this week. An international study by Victoria Milan, a dating website for people looking for extramarital affairs, has concluded that men have stepped up their game in the bedroom. My country ranked fifth, with a whopping 85% of women reportedly having their G-spot tickled with multiple orgasms. As we all know, this is the holy grail of pleasurable nookie.

I am certain that had I been polled, our ranking could have increased by a percentage point. I smiled to myself when I interrogated the survey because it mitigated the stereotype of local men as good-for-nothings who batter their women and rape their grandmothers.

I have, as a result, written to the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to introduce a sex component where I am certain South Africa will make a haul of the gold medals. Imagine seeing our men in the arena with sweaty bodies and vascular congestion of their erectile tissues ready to elicit moans to bring the world to the throes of passion.

Yes, Men Are Trash but here is a study that confirms that we have cracked the code to improve the sex lives of our women.

While I take surveys with a pinch of salt, I am wont to give this one the benefit of the doubt since it is women who were polled. Were it men, I knew my brothers would have puffed out their chests and claimed all sorts of horizontal bravura. Men, the cursed species to which I belong, are likely to inflate their bedroom antics. Even a two-minute man will claim that he can go for hours, despite evidence to the contrary.

Speaking of which, I have decided to reduce my sugar and salt intake in line with health minister Aaron Motsoaledi's advice to improve our general well-being. The two white condiments are known to put a damper on performance.

This is to ensure that I am ready to make South Africa proud should the IOC accede to my request for the Sex Olympics. The same applies for Straight & Two Beers as well as the zol, if we want to keep up the tumescence. Keep it up, guys!

X