MO AND PHINDI | Men may lie to their spouses for many different reasons

First of all, everyone lies. We all do it for several reasons depending on the circumstance. Maybe not all the time, and your marriage may not quite be characterised by lies. But if we were to go through your marriage with a tooth-comb, we could find bits and pieces of white lies here and there at the very least.

In a perfect world, you and your partner would be honest with each other about everything. You wouldn’t tell half-truths or even withhold some pertinent information your spouse should know about. But we live in this fallen world.

Having said that, no lie is justifiable even when someone claims to do so because they love you. Love without the truth is hypocrisy. Lies, when found out and depending on their magnitude, hurt the recipient, your integrity and the relationship. Healthy relationships are better cultivated in an environment of mutual trust.

While most people lie, no matter their gender, for some reason, men generally struggle with this behavior the most in marriages and dating relationships. Because of that, much of our discussion, is directed at men rathen than women.

Let’s explore some of the reasons why.

He’s a people-pleaser

You must know this about him already. He agrees to go somewhere he doesn’t really want to go to, without objecting. He takes on too many commitments and will keep the resentment he feels about it to himself. He tells you what he thinks you want to hear. And he does what he thinks you want, in order to avoid conflict or disappointing you.

The cost of being a people-pleaser is higher than most realise and cripples marriages. When he goes along with you rather than engage at a real and authentic level, it builds a marriage with unsteady stilts that can topple at any time.

He feels ashamed

He feels sorrowful over a shameful thing he has done and is overwhelmed by guilt and embarrassment.

Normal men have a general desire to protect their wives, emotionally and physically. So, when they have broken that because of something they did or a secret they’ve kept that’s found out, they feel ashamed. So they lie.

They lie because they believe another lie – in their own minds: that it’s better not to hurt you with the truth than to be honest about the hurt they have caused you.

He doesn’t want to hurt or disappoint you

As mentioned, a man’s instinct is to protect his wife at all costs, even from himself if he knows that his actions will harm you emotionally in some way, or affect your trust in him.

As it’s never your responsibility when your husband chooses to lie to you, understanding this may perhaps allow you to show grace and forgiveness when they are honest with you about something they did that hurt you. This will help them see that you won’t hate them if they do something wrong and want to be transparent with you.

Let’s say he was honest with you about something he did. Your reaction to that could determine if he’ll be transparent in the future or not, even though it’s still his choice to lie. In order to break this barrier, you also have to do your part in being approachable and not throw toys when you hear the truth. Can you handle the truth?

He’s a narcissist

He sees himself as the best of just about everything and has to lie to keep up his delusions of grandeur. He has also learnt from childhood that lying is a way to get what you want even at the expense of the relationship.

He’s hiding his insecurities and failures

Most men, when they leave home for work, hope to God that no one finds out about failures in some aspects of their lives. When you can understand this struggle of your husband, it might help you understand why he sometimes feels the need to lie.

Please understand, the above reasons are no justification for lying, nor are we encouraging such behaviour, especially when they are destructive lies that are affecting you or your relationship in a toxic way. This is simply to help you get into his mind and understand that generally, he doesn’t want to let you down or expose his failures.

Indeed, some men lie for no reason at all. They are habitual and pathological liars, in which case, professional help must be sought.

However, lying always has a purpose, and often results from a need to protect something. What is crucial to consider is the motivation behind the lie, and what in fact the individual is trying to protect. Is it their ego? Their sense of security? Fear of shame? In some cases, as often happens in the beginning of a relationship, lies may be told in order to help solidify the bond and create closeness.

In other cases lies are told in order to avoid conflict or tension, or to avoid hurt feelings. Men also lie to advance themselves, enhance their image, or even gain power.