MO AND PHINDI | A few, practical disciplines your children need to see in your marriage

As a couple, we come from very conservative family backgrounds, and for different reasons, are from single parented households.

However, we are both not only trained in marriage and family coaching, but are also strong advocates for raising kids in a healthy environment, where both parents are actively present. We, ourselves have the privilege of guiding our three children – 18, 17 and 10 years old – through life.

With our unique yet similar experiences growing up, we have learnt that raising kids is far more than just providing food, shelter and helping them with their homework.

No relationship influences the kid’s estimation of how humans should behave towards one another more than our marriages. They watch how we interact with one another, how we discern what defines our relationship, and again and again basically note: “So, that’s how it’s done.”

Here are few practical disciplines we believe your children need to see in your marriage.

Praying together

In general, couples that are consistent in praying together have more happiness, greater stability and a deeper sense of shared meaning. When you subject your family life to the divine, your children learn humility and gain an understanding that it is okay not to have all the answers. Being spiritually vulnerable in front of them teaches them to be inquisitive about the bigger questions of life like identity, purpose and meaning.

Affection

Displayed affection between spouses illustrates healthy sexuality. It assures a child that the foundation of their family is strong. And it empowers them to grow and develop in a secure environment, knowing they always have a safe place to return. And by letting your children see you being affectionate, you are showing your children that your family is here to stay.

Mutual trust

When kids witness trust between their parents, they learn how to properly give trust to others. They can distinguish between trustworthy and untrustworthy people. As they grow they can take the risk of loving another person because they have seen the value of a trusting relationship.

Mutual support

Having your children witness how the two of you support one another achieve goals is so important. When kids see you pulling towards different directions, it leaves a bitter taste in their mouths and an indelible mark for how they would relate to their future partners.

Grace

Nowhere is grace more needed than in marriage. And nowhere is it more powerful than in marriage. When a marriage is permeated by grace, children understand they do not have to pretend to be perfect. Watching their parents lovingly deal with the mistakes and faults of one another allows a child to see how they should treat others when they come short.

Conflict resolution

Disagreement is okay, even productive. But disrespect isn’t. Allow your kids to witness conflict between you two as parents, to send the message that conflict is normal. It means that both people are human. What helps is you shouldn’t let them pick a side. And you should avoid moralising arguments that have nothing to do with morality. Kids see in black and white. So, help them recognise that not every disagreement stems from right vs wrong. Also, don’t let your child equate resolution with one particular parent always getting his or her way. You wouldn’t want to send the message that one of you is a pushover and the other a bully.

Fun

Life is better because we are together. Marriage isn’t always fun and can be very difficult, but by and large fun should define much of marriage. Laughter, playfulness, contentment, genuineness and joy are key elements of a good marriage. When marriage is fun, kids are drawn towards other elements of a good marriage like self-sacrifice, humility and commitment. However, when a couple no longer enjoys one another’s company, they send the message to their children that the work of marriage is not worth it. Why would a child seek a healthy relationship when their main model for marriage is boring, sad or angry?

Kids are always watching. It’s the scary thing about parenting and a wake-up call regarding marriage. While there are many reasons we should seek a healthy marriage, one important reason is because we are affecting our children’s future – whether they choose to marry or not. Whatever they see will become their normal. You can’t be perfect, but you can be improving