One of the critical success factors of marriage is companionship – a union that’s built on friendship, affection, mutual consent and equality. For this level of relationship to be achieved, the couple has to view each other through the lenses of mutual respect and treat one another with dignity.
However, when you see your spouse as a mistake, you will never enjoy your marriage, especially their company, as you have formed a mindset that will not totally accept them the way they are. You will constantly see reasons why you believe they are a mistake, as you have created a pathway in your brain to accept that as a fact.
From that point onwards, your imperfect partner can do nothing that will please your perfect self. Whatever they do is misinterpreted and taken to mean what you want it to mean.
By classifying your spouse or marriage a mistake, you are simply saying that you made an error in choosing them as a life partner. Meaning, you now have to spend the rest of your married life trying to “fix” them – that’s typically what people do to errors. When you can’t fix them, as you will soon find out, you will mistreat them by being dismissive, take them for granted, and disrespect them, trying to find ways to replace them.
Your marriage only becomes a mistake when you amplify your spouse’s weaknesses. And that is the real mistake here.
Love is blind. Meaning, you can cultivate a healthy lifelong relationship with whoever you choose. That’s one of the reasons arranged marriages have the lowest statistics of divorce in Eastern cultures compared to societies with Western leanings. Love is a choice. It’s not your marriage that is a mistake.
Your lenses
A mistake is in how you view your spouse. Are you focusing on what they are not doing well or to your liking, instead of accepting them for who they are and the positives they bring to the table?
Your habits
When you get married, there are certain things that need to be changed in order to cultivate a healthy marriage. Many habits must be negotiated and done away with. Rid yourself of the idea that your spouse must accept you the way you are. It’s not all about you anymore but the both of you.
Your expectations
When your spouse behaves or treats you in a manner that doesn’t line up with how you expected, it can cause you to think that you’ve married wrong. However, when you communicate those expectations ahead of time, you are likely to have them met, and consequently cultivate a healthy marriage.
Your communication
How you communicate can make or break your marriage. Sometimes it’s not what is being said – important as that may be – but how it’s said that determines the health of a marriage. Some partners resort to shame-based communication with each other, using a parent-child style tone, sometimes one that is critical and belittling. Shame-based communication generally triggers instant defensiveness on the part of the receiving spouse, which usually results in either angry and escalating retorts, or withdrawal from communication.
Your perspective
Often the way we see things doesn’t reflect the totality of reality. It’s not necessarily that you are wrong or that your spouse is wrong, but possibly that you don’t take the time to see things from one another’s point of view. You are wrong when you disregard your spouse’s perspective, expecting them to only consider yours.
Your beliefs
When you are misaligned in your beliefs and worldviews as partners, you are most likely to think that your marriage is a mistake. Examine the foundations of your beliefs and find ways of aligning.
You may have made many mistakes in your life, but marrying the person you are with is not one of them. It isn’t by accident that you are together. Whatever challenges you may be facing as a couple, they are no signs that your union is a mistake.
There is no such thing as right or wrong person. There are just people with whom you consciously and deliberately determine to build a lasting bond. And that is possible with any reasonable human being you believe suits your values, life goals and matches your level of maturity.
Your marriage is not a mistake. Your worldview probably needs adjusting. Never regret being with a fallible human being as though you are infallible.
MO AND PHINDI | Your marriage is not a mistake; here faults to be wary of
Avoid amplifying your spouse’s weaknesses
Image: 123RF
One of the critical success factors of marriage is companionship – a union that’s built on friendship, affection, mutual consent and equality. For this level of relationship to be achieved, the couple has to view each other through the lenses of mutual respect and treat one another with dignity.
However, when you see your spouse as a mistake, you will never enjoy your marriage, especially their company, as you have formed a mindset that will not totally accept them the way they are. You will constantly see reasons why you believe they are a mistake, as you have created a pathway in your brain to accept that as a fact.
From that point onwards, your imperfect partner can do nothing that will please your perfect self. Whatever they do is misinterpreted and taken to mean what you want it to mean.
By classifying your spouse or marriage a mistake, you are simply saying that you made an error in choosing them as a life partner. Meaning, you now have to spend the rest of your married life trying to “fix” them – that’s typically what people do to errors. When you can’t fix them, as you will soon find out, you will mistreat them by being dismissive, take them for granted, and disrespect them, trying to find ways to replace them.
Your marriage only becomes a mistake when you amplify your spouse’s weaknesses. And that is the real mistake here.
Love is blind. Meaning, you can cultivate a healthy lifelong relationship with whoever you choose. That’s one of the reasons arranged marriages have the lowest statistics of divorce in Eastern cultures compared to societies with Western leanings. Love is a choice. It’s not your marriage that is a mistake.
Your lenses
A mistake is in how you view your spouse. Are you focusing on what they are not doing well or to your liking, instead of accepting them for who they are and the positives they bring to the table?
Your habits
When you get married, there are certain things that need to be changed in order to cultivate a healthy marriage. Many habits must be negotiated and done away with. Rid yourself of the idea that your spouse must accept you the way you are. It’s not all about you anymore but the both of you.
Your expectations
When your spouse behaves or treats you in a manner that doesn’t line up with how you expected, it can cause you to think that you’ve married wrong. However, when you communicate those expectations ahead of time, you are likely to have them met, and consequently cultivate a healthy marriage.
Your communication
How you communicate can make or break your marriage. Sometimes it’s not what is being said – important as that may be – but how it’s said that determines the health of a marriage. Some partners resort to shame-based communication with each other, using a parent-child style tone, sometimes one that is critical and belittling. Shame-based communication generally triggers instant defensiveness on the part of the receiving spouse, which usually results in either angry and escalating retorts, or withdrawal from communication.
Your perspective
Often the way we see things doesn’t reflect the totality of reality. It’s not necessarily that you are wrong or that your spouse is wrong, but possibly that you don’t take the time to see things from one another’s point of view. You are wrong when you disregard your spouse’s perspective, expecting them to only consider yours.
Your beliefs
When you are misaligned in your beliefs and worldviews as partners, you are most likely to think that your marriage is a mistake. Examine the foundations of your beliefs and find ways of aligning.
You may have made many mistakes in your life, but marrying the person you are with is not one of them. It isn’t by accident that you are together. Whatever challenges you may be facing as a couple, they are no signs that your union is a mistake.
There is no such thing as right or wrong person. There are just people with whom you consciously and deliberately determine to build a lasting bond. And that is possible with any reasonable human being you believe suits your values, life goals and matches your level of maturity.
Your marriage is not a mistake. Your worldview probably needs adjusting. Never regret being with a fallible human being as though you are infallible.
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