One of the most common challenges after one partner breaks the trust of the other through infidelity is to reignite intimacy between them. The mind is constantly filled with questions like what is it that he/she has that I don’t have? What if they do it again?
All of that while you have to deal with the flashbacks and images, real or perceived, which can intrude during the early stages of reintroducing sex.
Even if the flame of intimacy died for reasons other than an affair, rekindling it would require the backdrop of forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary whether you decide to walk your separate paths or reconcile.
And there are practical points to rekindle intimacy.
Rebuilding trust: It’s impossible to experience true intimacy with someone you don’t trust. Trust is rooted in feeling safe with another person. Infidelity, lies or broken promises can severely damage it in a marriage.
Trust is rebuilt through transparency and consistency, until your spouse is comfortable with you again. There is no time frame to healing. It takes as long as the spouse that broke the trust is able to walk in integrity, is consistent and is able to demonstrate transparency.
Emotional connection: A strong bond that holds you – as a couple – together, is one of the most important pillars in rekindling intimacy. Without it, you’ll drift apart. Even sex will become a dutiful experience.
An unfortunate thing occurs when sex is used to mask the lack of emotional connection between two partners. Firstly, the sex itself becomes hollow and meaningless, and nothing more than a physical exercise. Secondly, in many cases, it is used to cover relational flaws instead of dealing with them.
Emotional connection is opening yourself up to your spouse to relate more deeply through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities and trust. It is sharing a common unspoken language together. You feel like you “get” one another.
Knowledge: Success at anything in life depends on how much we know about it, not so much how we feel about it. When you take the time and be deliberate about learning things about your spouse, you empower yourself to love them in the manner they’d wish to be loved. And intimacy is then possible.
Interest: Rekindling intimacy becomes possible when you take genuine interest in your spouse’s endeavours, dreams and goals. One of the biggest turn-ons in marriage is when one spouse takes an interest in the other. When you won’t take deliberate interest in each other, you are sowing seeds of separate growth in your marriage.
Needs: Being responsive to each other’s needs will rekindle intimacy. A partner whose needs are not met at home, will naturally seek to have them met elsewhere. And that goes in the opposite direction from building intimacy.
Desire: Loss of attraction tends to develop over time when partners no longer share new or exciting experiences. When you’re no longer curious about your partner, or your lives have simply become too busy, or your partner no longer takes good care of themselves, you can feel stagnant and bored.
Another aspect that causes lack of desire is an insecure partner that struggles to see anything good in themselves. Other partners lose themselves in the process of loving their partners, at their own expense. When you lose your attraction, you lose your edge. Ultimately, you lose not just yourself, but your very marriage.
Loyalty: Divided loyalty affects intimacy. When your spouse feels second to anything or anyone, they will naturally drift away.
Intimacy is rekindled on the bedrock of loyalty, ie. when your spouse is convinced that you’re not only fully turned towards them but that you also have their back even in their absence.
Loyalty means you intentionally place your spouse above any and all other human relationships, responsibilities or interests. One of the saddest sights to witness is when someone is forced out of an organisation they bled for, to return home to a spouse and children they neglected.
Exclusivity: A roving eye is one of the top intimacy killers in a marriage. It kills your faith in love and by extension your faith in God because God is love. Those who have cheated on you have unwittingly tried to turn you into an emotional atheist. They have tried to literally murder your soul and spirit because the betrayal of infidelity is pervasive throughout your entire belief system.
When you both make the conscious decision to be exclusive to one another, it’s a positive step toward rebuilding intimacy.
MO AND PHINDI | It is possible to rekindle intimacy after trust has been broken by infidelity
Betrayal of cheating partner is pervasive throughout your entire belief system
Image: 123RF
One of the most common challenges after one partner breaks the trust of the other through infidelity is to reignite intimacy between them. The mind is constantly filled with questions like what is it that he/she has that I don’t have? What if they do it again?
All of that while you have to deal with the flashbacks and images, real or perceived, which can intrude during the early stages of reintroducing sex.
Even if the flame of intimacy died for reasons other than an affair, rekindling it would require the backdrop of forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary whether you decide to walk your separate paths or reconcile.
And there are practical points to rekindle intimacy.
Rebuilding trust: It’s impossible to experience true intimacy with someone you don’t trust. Trust is rooted in feeling safe with another person. Infidelity, lies or broken promises can severely damage it in a marriage.
Trust is rebuilt through transparency and consistency, until your spouse is comfortable with you again. There is no time frame to healing. It takes as long as the spouse that broke the trust is able to walk in integrity, is consistent and is able to demonstrate transparency.
Emotional connection: A strong bond that holds you – as a couple – together, is one of the most important pillars in rekindling intimacy. Without it, you’ll drift apart. Even sex will become a dutiful experience.
An unfortunate thing occurs when sex is used to mask the lack of emotional connection between two partners. Firstly, the sex itself becomes hollow and meaningless, and nothing more than a physical exercise. Secondly, in many cases, it is used to cover relational flaws instead of dealing with them.
Emotional connection is opening yourself up to your spouse to relate more deeply through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities and trust. It is sharing a common unspoken language together. You feel like you “get” one another.
Knowledge: Success at anything in life depends on how much we know about it, not so much how we feel about it. When you take the time and be deliberate about learning things about your spouse, you empower yourself to love them in the manner they’d wish to be loved. And intimacy is then possible.
Interest: Rekindling intimacy becomes possible when you take genuine interest in your spouse’s endeavours, dreams and goals. One of the biggest turn-ons in marriage is when one spouse takes an interest in the other. When you won’t take deliberate interest in each other, you are sowing seeds of separate growth in your marriage.
Needs: Being responsive to each other’s needs will rekindle intimacy. A partner whose needs are not met at home, will naturally seek to have them met elsewhere. And that goes in the opposite direction from building intimacy.
Desire: Loss of attraction tends to develop over time when partners no longer share new or exciting experiences. When you’re no longer curious about your partner, or your lives have simply become too busy, or your partner no longer takes good care of themselves, you can feel stagnant and bored.
Another aspect that causes lack of desire is an insecure partner that struggles to see anything good in themselves. Other partners lose themselves in the process of loving their partners, at their own expense. When you lose your attraction, you lose your edge. Ultimately, you lose not just yourself, but your very marriage.
Loyalty: Divided loyalty affects intimacy. When your spouse feels second to anything or anyone, they will naturally drift away.
Intimacy is rekindled on the bedrock of loyalty, ie. when your spouse is convinced that you’re not only fully turned towards them but that you also have their back even in their absence.
Loyalty means you intentionally place your spouse above any and all other human relationships, responsibilities or interests. One of the saddest sights to witness is when someone is forced out of an organisation they bled for, to return home to a spouse and children they neglected.
Exclusivity: A roving eye is one of the top intimacy killers in a marriage. It kills your faith in love and by extension your faith in God because God is love. Those who have cheated on you have unwittingly tried to turn you into an emotional atheist. They have tried to literally murder your soul and spirit because the betrayal of infidelity is pervasive throughout your entire belief system.
When you both make the conscious decision to be exclusive to one another, it’s a positive step toward rebuilding intimacy.
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