MO AND PHINDI | How thinking too much can ruin your marriage

Have you ever laid awake at night, mentally replaying something your spouse said in the heat of an argument? Or maybe lost a whole lunch break to over-analysing a short text from them?

And if they often come home late from work. You think, they must be cheating or work is more important than you. If they don’t initiate sexual intimacy, you think, we’re on our way to a sexless marriage.

If they forget to ask a follow-up question after a doctor’s visit, you think, they’re selfish, insensitive and don’t care about you. Very soon, you start to think, “Will this marriage even make it?” “Why do others seem happier than us?”

This is the mind of an overthinker, where normal conversations feel like riddles, and the future seems daunting.

Overthinking can also make you feel anxious and stressed about things that may be minor. Here are few ways couples often ruin moments, and ultimately even their relationships, due to overthinking:

You always think of the worst

If your spouse isn’t picking up the phone you start thinking they might have been in an accident or maybe avoiding you. If you had a sharp disagreement about something, it must be because they’re no longer in love with you. If they turn down your sexual advances, it’s because you’re no longer attractive to them or they are cheating on you.

Your overthinking is a slow poison

When you are overthinking you might not voice it always but your actions starts working like a slow poison on the relationship. Overthinking can make you controlling and manipulative because you want everything to go your way. If they don’t go your way, you become anxious. So you try your level best to keep every situation under your control and that makes your partner totally claustrophobic.

You become irrational

Overthinking clouds your sense of rationality. Even though you think you are being sensible and cogent, you are anything but that. You are constantly putting your spouse and your family under extreme stress because of your irrational overthinking.

You are too suspicious

An unknown name pops up on her cellphone, your radar is up. He meets a female friend from university at a party and talks about her, and you get stressed out. You get so suspicious that you even end up checking their phone.

Since pessimism is your best friend, good things rarely get your attention. So your partner, whom you have known for some time now, suddenly becomes a probable cheater and a liar in your head.

Your constant suspicion becomes intolerable for your partner who ultimately might want a way out from the relationship.

Difficulty making major decisions

Overthinkers often freeze when faced with a significant decision. Deciding to buy the house, open a joint bank account or have children can lead to tough discussions. All this wondering can cause stress and potentially slow down the pace of you marriage.

Impacts on your mental health

While overthinking itself isn’t necessarily a form of mental illness, it is however associated with conditions including depression, anxiety, eating disorders and substance use disorders. Rumination can be common if your marriage is facing perpetual challenges, taking the form of negative thoughts about the problems and you not getting solutions to it.

Misaligned expectations

Overthinking in a marriage means you’re never content with what is happening around you. As you spend excessive time questioning yourself and if your spouse truly appreciates you, you don’t only ruin the moment but you also miss the good things they do for you.

You are not present

Overthinking in a relationship builds an assortment of dark emotions that overwhelm you and distract you from life. As you go over and over the same negative thoughts, your body becomes increasingly agitated and you can find yourself lashing out at those nearest to you.

Constant need for reassurance

Overthinkers often worry about making the right move. This can lead to a continuous need for their spouse’s approval and reassurance.

You might find yourself asking, “Do you still love me?” “Are you satisfied with me?” “Did I upset you?” or “Are you losing interest in me?” You might detect small changes in your partner’s behaviour and instantly worry about your relationship. Overthinking is the bedrock of insecure attachment.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes: It’s like constantly asking someone if they’re okay even after they’ve told you they are.