MO AND PHINDI | Re-establish respect in your relationship if it's been lost

In his book, Love and Respect, Dr Emerson Eggerichs builds his argument upon the theory that the “primary emotional needs” for men and women respectively are that men need respect and women need love, like they need air to breathe. His basic thesis is that love is her deepest need and respect is his deepest need. And that without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love.

Even though such a hypothesis involves generalisations, there’s a lot of truth to the overarching idea. It’s a theory that goes a long way towards explaining the desperate lengths and compromises made by women and men looking for both love and respect.

However, respect – ability to treat one another with courtesy, decency, consideration and admiration – still remains a mutual need and one of the cornerstones of all successful relationships. It means you do not talk sarcastically to, or ignore or avoid your partner. Mutual respect means that you view the opinions, wishes and values of your partner as worthy of serious consideration. While this sounds very simple, it takes a consistent effort to treat your partner respectfully.

Respect is not just the absence of negative behaviour, but the presence of positive behaviours. Specifically, if you are treating your partner respectfully you are doing things such as: considering his or her opinion; consulting with your partner before making decisions; taking an active interest in your partner’s life; negotiating with your partner about important issues that affect both of you and your family. While mutual respect is not sufficient in that partners can treat each other respectfully but still struggle with major issues, it is an absolute necessity for a marriage to thrive.

But the loss of mutual respect can destroy a marriage quickly, or more often, lead to a painful, stressful and unhappy life for a couple.

A marriage with a lack of mutual respect will succumb to at least disrespectful criticism and contempt. Your critical comments become personal instead of being constructive and informational: “You said you would take care of it and, like always, you didn’t!”

Disrespectful criticism and contempt can spell the end of your marriage if you continue to deal negatively with conflict. Feeling contempt or shutting down when you see a person keeps you stuck in a toxic emotional pattern. These reactions often creep into your relationships over time as you lose focus on the value of your connection. You pay more attention to the faults of the person and the disappointments of their behaviour, draining the warmth from your heart. You are left feeling callous and cold.

To regain respect for your partner, we make the following suggestions for your considerations:

Choose to regain respect

You have to want to regain the respect you once lost. You might prefer to justify your reactions than to be the one who takes the higher road. To make the shift, you first have to consciously and genuinely choose to find your way back to respect. The angrier you are, the harder this will be. The choice is yours.

Call them out immediately

The moment they disrespect you, point out exactly what it is that they do and how it makes you feel. Propose what you would like them to do instead.

Show respect for yourself

You show respect for yourself by acknowledging that the way your partner treats you doesn’t meet your standards and you would like it to stop. Know what you deserve and negotiate for it. But also know how far you’re willing to go and clearly communicate it.

Earn it

When we raise our voice, berate, bully and otherwise posture or attempt to coerce respect, then we’re moving in the wrong direction. In as much as you may have been on the receiving end of disrespect, this same principle still applies. You can’t argue or fight your way to respect. Don’t demand respect by acting disrespectfully.

Establish your boundaries

If they don’t get it, you have to enact your boundaries. Meaning, you won’t continue interacting with them unless they treat you in a way that’s acceptable to you, show remorse for their disrespect and act towards behavioural change. You need to make sure they understand clearly what they did and why it is not okay. Better yet, they should say it in their own words. Never set boundaries you’re not willing to enforce.

Always remember that an act or behaviour of disrespect by your partner towards you is a reflection of them, not you. Respect is fundamental in a healthy relationship – it’s not something you should ever brush off or make excuses for. It will affect both the quality of your relationship and your long-term wellbeing as a person.