MO AND PHINDI | Marrying a carbon copy of yourself is not a foolproof recipe for marriage

The myth that common interests are essential for a successful relationship or marriage is one among many falsehoods that are peddled in relationship advice circles. The basic belief that fuels this myth is that the more similar you are and the more common interests you have, the better the chances are for a lasting and successful marriage.

Imagine if you had someone who likes everything you liked. They want to watch everything you watch, go everywhere you like going, and order the same food you order every time you go out to eat. This may seem cute at first, but may also get a little annoying over time.

But the important thing in marriage is not what you like doing together; it’s how you interact while doing it. Any activity can drive a wedge between two partners if they’re negative toward each other. It doesn’t matter if you both enjoy outdoor adventures if one partner makes it unbearable by criticising, degrading and always imposing their ways on the other.

While similar interests are good, differences allow the couple to remain a couple, but have individuality at the same time.

There is no rule that says you need to spend every waking moment together. In fact, it’s actually better for the marriage to enjoy some separate activities, hobbies and friends, and return to one another refreshed. And it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a level of friendship with your spouse just because you entertain separate interests. Marriage is a covenant. And covenants are built on differences, not similarities.

We can think of a few reasons why having similar interests in a relationship is hollow overestimation.

You’re less likely to hold interesting conversations

While it’s true that common interests usually draw people together and bond them over time, sharing the same interests can lead to some pretty dull and lifeless conversations over time.

You’re less likely to get out of your comfort zone

If you and your partner have the same interests, you’ll probably grow comfortable and stick to the same routine, day in and day out. Unfortunately, this leaves no opportunity for you to explore new things and spice things up a bit.

You’re less likely to be adventurous

Since you’re so content with doing the same things over and over again, you probably don’t even think about the fact that your relationship lacks excitement and adventure. Being adventurous gives you and your partner the chance to explore new interests together.

You’re more likely to get bored with your relationship

Again, sticking to the same hobbies, having the same conversations and agreeing on everything is a sure-fire way to get bored pretty fast. But this is less likely to happen with someone who encourages you to try something new and see things a little differently.

Sometimes, you’ll feel like you’re actually dating yourself

Okay, fine. When Justin Timberlake soulfully sings about it, it’s hard to believe that dating a mirrored version of yourself is not the best thing in the world. Unless you’re very full of yourself, dating a carbon copy of yourself can eventually get really boring.

You’re less likely to be challenged. It can be so exciting to be with someone who has opinions that mostly differ from yours, because it challenges you to reconsider your own views and beliefs, and start interesting discussions.

You’re more likely to grow tired of each other

At first, it may feel like a dream. You’re so happy that you’ve found this person that’s so similar to you that they feel like an extension of yourself. But in time, that feeling often fades. If you’re not with someone who challenges you to be a little different, to think outside the box, or to consider new perspectives, then things are going to fizzle out fast.

Lastly, a stronger predictor of compatibility than common interests and similarities is the ratio of positive to negative interactions, whether you’re doing something you both enjoy or not. It’s not enjoying the same kind of hobbies, holiday destinations and similar kinds of activities that make a marriage strong. It’s embracing each other’s differences.

More importantly, it’s being compatible in your value system, your character and your life purpose or goals – not whether you like the same kind of food, music and holiday destinations.