MO AND PHINDI | Marriages flourish in humility, while pride leads to their destruction

Marriages flourish in humility. In the absence of self-righteousness, self-sufficiency, and self-reliance, marriages have the ability to thrive. But the presence of all the “selfs” is breeding ground for pride.

And few things are as toxic in a marriage as pride. One relationship pride shows up in more than any other, is marriage. Its presence in a marriage spells the absence of intimacy. It decays a marriage from the inside out. Left unchecked, pride not only eventually leads to an absolute loss of intimacy, but also in loss of communication and emotional connection.

Ultimately its tendrils can choke the life out of a marriage and cause the end of the marriage. You can be full of pride or you can have a healthy marriage, but you can’t have both.

In our work with couples – and in our own marriage – the root of most marital challenges is found in the struggle with an over-estimation of ourselves. It’s in pride, the inordinate self-esteem that prevents you from seeking help when one is needed, and yes, it does go before the fall.

Pride creates dissonance between couples. When we pretend we are perfect, even though we know the truth of our fallibility and that we don’t have it all together, we make it hard for intimacy to flourish.

Pride doesn’t allow you to talk about your struggles, seek help, work out problems, or connect through brokenness. It also whispers in your ears that you’re right (and they are wrong), and that you know everything. Two prideful people in a marriage just end up being two lonely and unhappy individuals.

One of the dark sides of pride is that it sows the seed for the weeds of conflict to take root and spread through a marriage. Ultimately, its tendrils can choke the life out of a marriage and spell its end. While no one denies the danger of pride in a relationship, few couples can identify its early warning signs.

Everything is personal

Pride is an elevated view of self. When pride overtakes your partner, everything becomes about them. Furthermore, pride causes a partner to crown their way of thinking as king. Anyone, including their own partner, who sees the world differently is viewed as an opponent. An opposing idea or differing viewpoint – no matter how healthy – isn’t seen as a natural disagreement or a difference of perspective. It’s always seen as a personal attack on them. Their response to every situation is one of defensiveness because they feel assaulted even if you simply disagree over the most minor of issues.

Fault-finding

Because pride requires us to look better than others, a pride-filled partner becomes an expert at finding fault in others. It’s as though they have fault-finding glasses and once they view life through that lens, problems is all they see. They actually believe finding fault is their gift and they readily point out the faults not just with you, but the boss, co-workers, friends, political leaders, referees, pastor, coaches, etc. They find validation in critiquing others.

Refusal to be influenced by their spouse

Humility opens one up to change while pride paralyzes us into our current state. Whenever an individual is unable to be positively influenced by their spouse, it’s a sign something is horribly wrong. It shows respect has been lost and the most common cause of lack of respect is pride. When we think we are better than our spouse, we stop being influenced by them.

Ignorance of the need of others

Pride doesn’t just keep us from caring for others, it prevents us from even seeing their need. Pride causes us to become so focused on self that we no longer see the hurts, struggles, and inabilities of others. Not knowing their needs, a prideful person would never consider how they can assist another person in need.

Addiction to attention

Pride demands attention. Believing ourselves to be of more importance, we assume everything is and should be about us. Everything becomes about what we want, think, desire, and how situations impact us. Even if our spouse tragically breaks their leg, a prideful spouse immediately thinks about how that will inconvenience them and not their spouse.

Refusal to submit to authority

A prideful person believes they have it all figured out so they don’t need to listen to an expert. Even if statistics show a certain action is negative, the person filled with pride will assume they are the exception. In marriage, an arrogant person will not humble themselves to wise counsel or do what an expert says. Even if they attend counselling, they simply go so their point can be validated.

Marriage demands that we sacrifice our individual dreams and desires for the sake of the relationship. Refusal to say “I’m sorry” because of pride isn’t helpful.