MO AND PHINDI | Emotional connection the main ingredient for effective relationships

The distinction between being attached and being connected to your partner is very important. If you’re unaware of the difference, it’s easy to confuse one for the other. Partners with an emotional connection can experience attachment to one another, but someone that develops an attachment first will struggle to find an emotional connection, if at all. Understanding the difference can translate to health and growth in your marriage, or just the opposite.

Emotional attachment

Being attached is to solely rely on your relationship to define your worth, value, and lovability. It is an unhealthy binding of yourself to your partner to the point of your disappearance. It’s when you typically place demands for – and depend on – your partner to meet all your needs to an extent that without them around, your life feels pretty much empty. Depending on someone else to “complete” you or make you happy, for instance, can create difficulties for you both and by extension, the marriage.

Here are some signs that you have unhealthy attachments to your partner, but aren’t really emotionally connected.

You don’t just want your partner, you need them – You don’t know how to function without them. As such you feel a need to see or hear from your partner extraordinarily often than normal. When they don’t feed your clinginess, you’re likely to feel rejection.

You heavily rely on their approval – You might define your worth by how your partner sees you. In an unhealthy attachment, your sense of self-worth may totally depend on your partner’s regard. When you disagree or experience conflict, this might entirely disrupt your perception of yourself. You might even believe they no longer love you.

You keep negotiating your boundaries – If you constantly feel the need to lower your standards, and you’re the one who almost always has to compromise on your needs or wants, then you’re probably not emotionally connected to your partner, but are attached to the need for a marriage.

You display a self-seeking behaviour – It’s an unhealthy emotional need for someone else to behave a certain way in order to make you happy. This often manifests itself by giving yourself too much to the person, in the name of selflessness when in reality, you’re giving in hopes of getting. It’s really a form of control and a misguided definition of what true love means.

You rely elsewhere for emotional support – When you’re in an attachment-based relationship, you’ll likely find yourself turning to your friends or family for emotional support instead of your partner.

Emotional connection

Emotional connection is a process of opening yourself up to your partner in order to relate more deeply through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities and trust. It is sharing a common unspoken language with your partner. It’s staying attuned to their needs and problems and following up on issues that bothers them or makes them happy. It’s a synergy between two personalities that creates a balance between pushing the other toward growth and remaining a comfortable place to fall.

Here are some signs that you are emotionally connected to one another.

You are friends first – No matter how far your relationship evolves, its foundation is a strong friendship. You respect each other and value one another’s thoughts. You want each other’s input, and you enjoy one other’s company.

You give each other space – It doesn’t matter how close you are and how much you share with each other, but when it comes to privacy and giving space, you allow the relationship to breathe. You also give each other space to thrive as individuals.

There’s space to express emotions freely – You’ve created an environment that your partner feels safe to share their emotions with you, and so do you, without fear.

You can both sense when something is wrong –  You don’t need them to say, “I had a bad day”. You know because you see it on their face when they come home from the office. You know how to talk to them and deal with them on bad days; they learn the same about you.

Sex is secondary – As critically important as physical intimacy is in your marriage, it isn’t the first characteristic of your relationship. When you have an emotional connection with a person, physical intimacy doesn’t take the lead, emotional well-being does.

You can have deep conversations (or just sit in silence) – An emotional connection with your partner is the ability to have deep, substantial conversations about things you’d struggle to talk to just anyone about.