MO AND PHINDI | Compromise may be practical but it’s not a recipe for a successful marriage

We recently came across an online blog that reads, “Compromise – no matter how difficult – is a necessary part of any successful, enduring marriage.” The main point being, once we’re married we need to get used to making concessions – no matter how deep our beliefs and convictions are on the given issue – in order to reconcile our different perspectives, as a demonstration of unconditional love, and as a way of maintaining harmony in our marriages. And we disagree.

Compromise is practical. It often works well in business and politics. But it is not a marriage-builder. It isn’t a demonstration of unconditional love, and is certainly not ideal for maintaining peace in marriage. We further argue that not only is compromise not a recipe for success in marriage, but it is exactly why many marriages fail; why many partners lose themselves in marriage; and why others get lonely in their marriages. It can be very emotionally abusive.

Indeed we are all different, and conflict often occurs because of these differences. But that we’re unique is not going to change. Often our uniqueness is deeply embedded in who we are as human beings.

Honouring differences and learning to explore what’s important to each other is part of what makes a marriage so rich, exciting and fulfilling. It’s also how we achieve spiritual oneness – the fact that we can achieve unity in our diversity. And that’s what makes compromise so unappealing.

Furthermore…

It’s lazy

It doesn’t require a lot of effort to give in on an issue or demand that your spouse gives way. The delusion here is that if you sacrifice what you want in exchange for your partner’s happiness, then you’ll be happy too. Essentially though, it’s a cheat code for getting out of a tough conversation. Compromise is less about you finding happiness and more about you avoiding the work.

It leads to resentment

You have ideals and goals for your life. Marriage isn’t about quashing your dreams in favour of your spouse’s. When you give up what you want for the sole purpose of putting a negotiation to bed, you’re planting a seed of frustration, loss of self and resentment. It may not be apparent at first, but it’ll become a serious issue over time.

You both lose

The eventual resentment will affect both of you, not just the person that yielded. Even if you get your way, your spouse may act out in a variety of ways that put the health of your marriage at risk. If both of you meet in the middle as a compromise without doing the work, then you may have a haphazard solution that doesn’t serve either of you.

In addition…

When you approach an issue expecting to compromise, you’ll walk away a loser almost every time. It’s a demonstration of shallowness of belief to your point, and lack of persuasive skills to show your spouse why your point is both beneficial to the marriage and adds to the big picture. Also when you expect to compromise, you rarely use your imagination or go after what makes you happy in the relationship. Nor do you ever reach a real understanding of each other and unearth what your spouse truly values or what is underneath a need, desire or goal.

When you already believe that a marriage is just about keeping the peace or that there is no way for both of you to be happy, then compromise will be a part of your lives. You’ll also believe you married the wrong person – since you never quite agree on anything. Or that marriage is never about living your best life as you’ve envisioned it. Why would anyone want to be in a marriage where they have to give up their dreams, desires and even who they are?

Compromise in marriage is only necessary when we don’t exert the effort to truly understand ourselves and each other. It is a lazy way of interacting.

Marriage is more about negotiation and co-operation than compromise

Compromise means everybody gives up something. The idea is that people learn to sacrifice something, to take turns or meet in the middle to secure peace.

Compromise places value on asserting our own individual preferences rather than our marriage. It keeps us focused on ourselves as individuals with the goal of being the “winner”. Either that, or we should both lose, that is, find the middle-ground. “Finding middle-ground” usually means if one likes yellow painted walls and the other likes blue, then you should settle for green – except that none of you actually likes green. But you have to compromise, otherwise you won’t have a successful marriage, right?

The danger of a marriage that is centred on compromise is the inevitable weaving of selfishness into the paradigm.

We might intend to compromise out of love or affection. But by definition, compromise suggests that we give up something to gain something else. Harmony and decision-making are practical reasons, and sometimes require a compromise – especially with immature people who are incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

Compromise leads to, I’ll do this if you do that. Which can quickly turn into, you didn’t do this so why should I have to do that?

But negotiation and co-operation keeps the focus on us, and reminds us that we’re on the same team. Instead of lazily jumping to find some middle-ground, why not engage on why you each want things done your way, and get deeper understanding into each of your reasoning? Why not consider what’s best for the marriage in the backdrop of where you want to go as a couple? It’s not about who’s more brilliant or intelligent.

Your path to a healthy and successful marriage should be lined by open communication, creative solutions and a growth mindset. That’s where you need to put in the work. As in any marriage, you’ll have your fair share of arguments, but you can transform each of these moments into opportunities to develop a deeper, long-term, loving relationship with your spouse.