MO AND PHINDI | Being married to 'mama’s boy' might be problematic

The term "mama’s boy" is often used as slang to describe a grown man who has an unhealthy dependence on his mother well into adulthood when he is expected to be independent and self-reliant. 

Nevertheless, before we engage any further, let us acknowledge that a man who is close to his mother isn’t necessarily a mama’s boy in a negative way. Actually, men who have strong relationships with their mothers may be significantly mentally healthy and have better relationships with women in general. 

However, a man who seems to be unhealthily attached to his mother might be more of a problem. This is particularly if he can't seem to function without her. Boundary problems, dependence and enmeshment guarantee harm to a marriage. And one reality that haunts far too many partners is an entangled relationship between a grown man and his mother. 

One of the biggest tragedies of a relationship entangled in this complex is when the husband expects his wife to change, and do things like his mother does or how she used to do them. The guy becomes the puppet and his mother, a puppet master. Usually, the guy possesses no personality of his own, and as such is nonchalant about the needs of his wife. 

Any marriage is doomed to suffer if a husband relies too heavily on his mother for anything, whether it is money, approval or emotional support. Inevitably, she becomes triangulated in the relationship between the couple and becomes the object of razor-sharp resentment from the wife. 

Yet the very woman who later clenches her teeth in bitterness at both her mother-in-law and her husband who can’t let her go, often sees the warning signs of the dysfunctional co-dependent mother-son relationship during the dating process. In other words, the toxic mother-son relationship dynamic doesn’t become begin after the marriage. Some such dynamics are strong enough to survive and, in some cases, outlast the marriage. 

Before you throw in the towel at both of them, the first step in developing mechanisms to deal with the matter is to determine if you really have a mama’s boy on your hands. 

Here are some of the signs:

• You can’t say anything, even slightly negative, about his mom
• His mother can do no wrong
• He avoids confronting her at all costs but has no problem getting angry with you
• You feel that, if there was a problem between you and his mother, he easily sides with her and defend her instead of you
• He can’t say “no” to mom. Her wish is his command
• He wants an unreasonably regular contact with his mom either via phone or in person
• He always chooses his mom over his wife and children
• He has never moved far away from his mom, or he still lives with her (and now so do you)
• He has trouble making decisions without his mom, and might expect you to baby him
• He might have financial ties to his mom, which keep him on a short leash with her
• When there are good or bad news, his mom is the first to know
• His mom feels she has a right to speak into your marriage, and there’s an expectation for you to implement whatever she says
• You have no decisions of your own without her input. His mom’s word is final
• His mother has free rein in your house. She’s welcome anytime she pleases without notice. And while visiting, she expects that her rules are adhered to. 

Once you have established that you are indeed married to a mama’s boy, you have to determine what behaviour is tolerable for you personally and what is not. For instance, you might be alright with your husband talking to your mother-in-law once or twice a day, as long as it doesn’t infringe on your time together.

You might not like it if he turns to her with problems that he should be discussing with you. You might be fine with your in-laws living nearby, but you might not like it if your husband – because of his mama’s boy complex – insists you live in the same house with them. 

If you’re single and looking, watch out for the warning signs. If you’re in the dating stage with this man, you need to have some honest conversations. First with yourself, as you consider whether this is a deal-breaker or not. Then with him as you communicate that he can’t inject his mother into your relationship and as such needs to prioritise you over his mother at this point in your lives. 

But things won't happen overnight. So don't get discouraged if it takes some work to make both parties happy. You might find that a healthy balance even brings you all closer together.