Counsellors often help relationships to heal and thrive

We humans are relational beings and, for this reason, the gift of life is best unwrapped with those whose lives are closely linked to ours.

Whether with friends or family, healthy relationships are important and worth working towards.

Khulekani Mkhwanazi, a senior training co-ordinator in Johannesburg, articulates the difficulty of navigating the realm of relationships. Mkhwanazi, who facilitates the training of social and childcare workers, further explains that we may be undervaluing the role of having close relations with others – more so than before.

“People are no longer friends for the purpose of having good relations with someone else. We no longer appreciate and value our friendships like we once did.”

While good old communication between parties in a relationship can be good enough to fix what’s broken, the introduction of psychological services or the expertise of a qualified mediator are at times necessary.

According to counsellor Botshelo Mosito, mending relationships through therapy, counselling or any other psychological service can be greatly beneficial not only for the relationship but also for the individuals involved.

“In most cases, the expectations we have in relationships are based on what we know about ourselves without understanding the other person. Counselling and psychological services allow you to know more about yourself as well as understanding the other person,” she said.

When it comes to seeking psychological services, many South Africans still face hurdles related to accessibility and affordability. However, Mosito suggests that access to information is the bigger problem.

“They [services] are accessible to everyone but people are unaware due to lack of knowledge. The South African Depression and Anxiety Group provides free counselling services to everyone and almost all companies have employee assistance programmes, but people are not taking advantage of these.”

Unfortunately, resolving conflict through the use of qualified mediators who provide psychological services is an area still engulfed by stigma. Thus, it is not everyone who would be comfortable with bringing in a third party, especially in the context of family relationships.

It is likely that the introduction of group therapy within any family structure would be met with resistance and reservation. Mkhwanazi advocates for the ability of family group therapy to empower the family as well as affirm the individual.

“Attending those group sessions facilitated by a therapist is an opportunity for the family to debrief and have someone to talk to, to share your feelings in a safe space.

“They [therapists] act as a buffer and mediator within the family by assisting the family to continuously live a normal life even if there are challenges or issues such as grief and unemployment,” Mkhwanazi says

Additionally, Mosito said it is important to remember that you are accountable to yourself and not others.

“You are not responsible for another person’s behaviour. But you are responsible for how you respond towards their behaviour. The minute you understand that person and their behaviour, you then need to learn how to respond to it so that it does not negatively impact how you feel,” she advises.

"It is often said that friends are the family we get to choose. Mkhwanazi believes relations with people outside our immediate families are essential for us to survive.

He believes that the adage of respect, love and support are keys to nurturing these relationships. “Respect the boundaries of the other person and support and love your friend regardless of the circumstances.”

Mosito also believes in the power of setting healthy boundaries, which is one of the secret ingredients for flourishing friendships.

“In the same way that you want your boundaries respected, you need to be willing to respect those of others. At the same time, you’re not supposed to respect the other person’s boundaries only when they’re the same as yours. Remember that a person sets boundaries based on who they are and what they want at the end of the day.

“When a person oversteps your boundaries, communicate that to them.”