It wouldn’t be the proverbial month of love without Valentine’s wishes from yours truly.

If it's your intention to thematically embrace love this coming Valentine's Day, I wish you an abundance of it with minimum chance of disappointment.  

I recently had the honour of hosting Amina Deka Asma (also known as Mkhulu Thandolwethu) and her partner, Cynthia Maboya, on my podcast Gogo have I been scammed, a SowetanLIVE production. In this discussion, we spoke about many topics dealing with the intersection of love and spirituality.

This conversation sparked a rethinking about commonly held stances on the bureaucracy of African spiritual practices, (among young practising spiritualists – especially in the context of romantic relationships). Walk with me...  

Let me first explain what I mean by “the bureaucracy of African spiritual practices”. Generally, African spiritualities – particularly in the Southern African region – tend to be very prescriptive in terms of behaviour. There are specific ways in which one is taught to conduct oneself in day-to-day social settings. In fact, I would say one’s person is heavily regulated when participating in ritualistic practices such as ukuthwasa (initiation) or, more simply, ukuphahla (the process of ritualistically connecting to one’s ancestors).  

I suppose the regulation is partly rooted in the fact that ritualistic practices require focus to master, and they rely on prescribed repetition, inevitably imprinting in the minds of practitioners. These repeated rituals form part of the greater observation of sacredness within the greater system of belief – meaning African spirituality.  

Another element that contributes (to the regulation of one's person) is the slight overemphasis of respect for our ancestors, positioning them as elders, in addition to being custodians of ancient knowledge. This means there are certain things that cannot be done openly in front of them (or to their knowledge), such as openly dating and living with partners before marriage. Ukuhlonipha abantu abadala (respecting one’s elders and, by extension, one's ancestors) is a paramount teaching in African spirituality!

Ancestors are positioned as if they were strict old-school black parents of the practitioners, especially healers (including initiates) – parents who expect the body to be kept sacred, often dispiriting hopes of romantic physical intimacy, dating and cohabitating before marriage. 

The established status quo (of regulation) is evident in so many socio-spiritual spheres, including social media. For example, artist Young Stunna posted a video on his social media of him engaging in what looked like ukuphahla with his romantic partner. The spiritual netizens were up in arms because “that is not allowed”. Their reasoning was mostly rooted in the fact that Young Stunna is unmarried and therefore his and his girlfriend’s ancestors are unacquainted. Their practice was dubbed “confusing to the ancestors”.  

Once again, contextualising ancestors as old-school parents, dating and performing your relationship amid elders is why the couple’s actions are considered disrespectful. I do not necessarily agree, though I have been taught similarly.  

We must be realistic about the times we live in, per Amina’s suggestion. Our realism must account for the fact that modern times have even loosened the regulatory parameters in our homes, affecting how we live as black people. Surely there can be leeway or less stringent regulations, that still allow for the respectability of self and one’s ancestors. 

Amina’s call to realism asks us to consider that as people who embrace their spiritualities – often performing rituals – it is not possible that our ancestors are unacquainted with our partners. “It is not possible they don’t know who I'm dating, so that argument doesn’t do it for me,” said Amina.

“Spirituality is part of my everyday life. When I go to the river, she [Cynthia] is with me. When I pray, light candles and connect, she is in the space, sometimes we do it together or for one another... Which I know commonly as a 'no no'. Again, why wouldn't they know her if I live my life with this person?” 

I joked and said to Amina and Cynthia “people watch other people’s spiritual lives as if they are teachers with a red pen”. Which I really think is a symptom of having a regulative status quo. I then asked Amina if there are dos and don'ts while dating and being a spiritualist.  

Though she didn’t have many guidelines, she did remind us about the value of living within the ethics of doing no harm. Do no harm in the name of pursuing love spiritually and do no harm to partners should things not work out spiritually.  

Do no harm! 

For more on this discussion, do go onto the SowetanLIVE website and click on podcast tab to find episode 11 of my Gogo have I been scammed? podcast and many more.