KABELO CHABALALA | Healthy marriages exist, couples need to work together in different phases they go through

If there is something I would recommend in life, especially for people who are pro-monogamy and are keepers of their words, it is definitely marriage. On holy matrimony, Fawn Weaver says, “The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration and a never-ending portion of love and grace.”

Indeed, team work is what makes the greatest dreams work. But when an argument or disagreement ensues, we often think the next person is attacking us and not the issue at hand. I guess that is human nature. For the first few months, I also felt the same way and usually it was because of the truth that was said.

In our newspapers today, we don’t read stories about people who are enjoying their marriages. We are mostly bombarded with stories of marriages that didn’t work. In as much as negativity sells, I believe that positive stories should also have room in our pages.

There should be someone somewhere celebrating half a century in marriage or at least 30 years. It would make a great story of how they made it thus far in a world where marriages are seemingly about how quickly we break up. 

In 24 days’ time, I will be celebrating my first wedding anniversary. I know that many of you who are "ancestors" in marriage are probably rolling your eyes. You are thinking, “You still have a long way to go, son. I have been married for more than 10 years or 20 years. Enjoy the honeymoon phase of marriage, there is more that you still have to learn.”

I concede, there is still a long way to go, the same way I think an anniversary is a big deal. I fully comprehend why you may not understand why I am making a big deal out of celebrating 12 months in marriage. 

I just hope that the years you have ticked in marriage are not just years gone by. I hope that they are years that reflect the quality of your commitment, honesty, love and compassion to your partner. Unfortunately and sadly, there are people who have been in marriage for years and those years are filled with the bad more than the good. They are years of betrayal, infidelity, unhappiness and frustration. But they cannot just pack their bags and leave. 

Above the beautiful and harmonious singing that took place almost a year ago, I wish that the elders had sat me down to explain the overused phrase, “Nyala o di bone.” Loosely translated, it means, “Get married so you can learn about the complexities of marriage.”  Nobody bothered to share their pearls of wisdom about the obstacles and the beatitudes that lay ahead.  

In all honesty, the first year has taught me so much about myself and my wife. With the lessons, I know that I want to grow grey hair with her. As a Christian married couple, our Catholic beliefs remind us that we are on a vocation. 

There are teething issues that should be addressed by the elderly. They should do less singing for us men and share advice. They need to ensure that we know what to expect. But not the whole nonsensical and regressive talk about, “Your wife shouldn’t ask you where you are coming from.”  They should encourage us men to be faithful and devoted to our partners or family.  

However, what I have learnt over the past year of marriage is the importance of commitment and consistency. Six months into living together in our matrimonial home, there were reasons to doubt if this could work. There were more reasons why one could pack his belongings and go back home. Later on, I discovered that we were actually going through the forming–storming–norming–performing model of group development. Bruce Tuckman was the mastermind behind putting together this model in 1965.

Tuckman said, “These phases are all necessary and inevitable in order for a team to grow, face up to challenges, tackle problems, find solutions, plan work and deliver results."

When we were going through the forming and storming stages, I felt like I was losing my marriage. I was at a point where I was even questioning my own decisions and choices. In hindsight, I realised that the only way to grow as partners and to overcome challenges is by going through the phases. 

Today, my wife and I are norming while performing. It’s a beautiful phase in our lives. 

If there was ever a time where we needed good and healthy marriages, it is now. To those that think marriage is overrated, I beg to differ. I think cheating, unfaithfulness and dishonesty in relationships are overrated. Not marriage!