A goat or being third wife might end my January cash blues
I am one person who has just never had enough money to pull me through the entire 15 weeks in January.
This has been the case in all my years of adulthood and employment. The beginning of each year is an upward struggle and I am always in awe of folks who have never been in this situation.
Being broke in January feels like witchcraft now.
You know those moments where you start wondering if the only way you can resolve things is through carrying a black goat on your back and having chicken bile poured on you for cleansing?
I am literally a few clicks away from posting on Brownsense and asking for recommendations on the best sangoma in eGoli.
I swear I had a financial plan and a budget and had even tucked away some monies in marked envelopes that were to be used for specific expenses. But all of that went poof and I have no idea where and why it was spent.
Sometimes I think it's because I have never held a job that pays me a December bonus. Sometimes I want to accept that I am just not good at saving. Maybe if I didn't have that one extramarital child?
Also, I once ate a whole tray of Choice Assorted from under my grandmother's bed. Or what if it's because my father does not appease our ancestors as much as other Zulu men do?
Okay, maybe it's the whole history of apartheid... or my horoscope. But ok'salayo, something is really wrong with how my finances are set up in January.
In fact, if my bank account could speak and took the opportunity to have a frank chat with me, it would probably ask "Eintlik Kwanele, uphila ngani hhhe? [Really Kwanele, how do you survive?] Be honest!"
First of all, I am not even high maintenance at all. I swear. I lead a simple life that is fulfilled by the consumption of greasy chops and the feel of brand new stilettos on my feet.
My car can outrace most horses and is more comfortable than a wheelbarrow but I bet if it had a choice, it would refuse to drive anywhere.
I recently noted to a friend that I have never received that notorious "Hi. I need a favour." text or call from any of my people in January. I think people who need financial favours at this time of the year know who to ask.
Being called to such rescue is an awkward privilege reserved for the financially savvy and secure members of society who magically spread their income to last throughout the festive season and endure the whole of January.
I swear being broke in January is so traumatic, it even affects balance - I can't even wear high heels to work at this time of year. All my brogues and loafers are out to play.
Hell, I have my weave tied up in a rubber elastic band as I type this. And I have gotten lost twice trying to save data on my phone.
I am less concerned about the security implications of logging onto free Wi-Fi at my favourite restaurants and I don't mind staying indoors.
Right now I am debating the pros of joining a happy marriage as the third wife to a head of the house who provides handsomely for his family branches.
I can cook, clean and call him "baba" while I prepare his bath water.
Okay. No. I probably won't have to take such desperate measures because payday is around the corner. But woah! January is financial hell for some of us hey.