The festive season should be a time to unwind but for some people, it can bring back unpleasant memories or induce anxiety and depression. 

Sibongile Sibanyoni, a psychologist at the University of Pretoria’s student counselling unit, listed five main reasons why people could dread being with family during the season: 

Ongoing conflicts  

“It is normal for families to fight but sometimes issues never get resolved and this causes ongoing conflict within the family setup. These unresolved feelings then play a huge role in causing anxiety because people don’t know what will happen,” she explained. 

“Once the realisation of an unhealthy relationship sinks in then there’s already discord and this causes anxiety,” she added. 

Issues of safety 

“If one has focused on securing a safe environment for themselves throughout their life, then having to visit an area that is unsafe due to rife crime or high sexual abuse rates will make them feel uneasy and doubtful. This can cause one to feel uncomfortable and then they will not enjoy their time with family.” 

Finances 

Sibanyoni says finances are a big contributing factor to those finding themselves going back home during the festive season. 

“During this time of the year, a lot of families host events and ceremonies and come together to contribute financially. However, sometimes this situation can become unfair when someone in the family is expected to contribute more than everyone else just because they are employed. There are often unrealistic expectations from parents that create pressure and thus an unpleasant experience for the individual,” she explained. 

Uncomfortable questions 

“Questions about weight, having children, getting married or achieving certain goals create anxiety for many people. Although sometimes family members ask these questions out of care and concern, it may come off as insensitive and uncomfortable to the person. Sometimes you could even feel like people are too much in your business,” she said. 

Things no longer being the same 

As the years pass by and as people grow, family dynamics change, and this could be because of death or the absence of elders. 

“This may bring back painful memories when one realises that being home is no longer as fun or is now stressful and there are now many problems.” 

Although some of these issues are unavoidable, Sibanyoni says it is important to find healthy coping strategies. 

“First things first, you need to be honest with yourself and your reality so that you can relay it to other people. Take time to introspect and see why certain questions affect you so much, and once you have established that, plan your responses well,” she said. 

“When it comes to finances, be upfront with your loved ones about where you stand financially. Don’t just comply with their demands or give in to them. Be assertive with your circumstances and make them understand that you cannot overcommit,” she added. 

For those who are on the other side of the coin, Sibanyoni said it was vital to pay attention when asking questions that may come off as offensive or too invasive. 

“When in a conversation with someone, take note of their body language and their tone when they respond to your questions. When you notice that a person starts becoming shy or embarrassed when answering you then change the topic to something much lighter or something general. Be mindful of people’s feelings and do not delve deeper if it is not necessary.”