MO AND PHINDI | Power of agreement holds potential for happiness and joy in marriage

The strongest teams in sports have chemistry beyond the field of play and locker-room. They ’re a blend of experience, communication and unity; and they learn to overcome adversity through agreements and disagreements as well as mutual respect.

Those qualities lead to championships and celebrations. The same is true of marriage. The power of agreement, even if it means to disagree, holds the potential for happiness, joy and celebrations. When you as a couple fail to think and act in unison, you miss the opportunity to use the power of agreement and to function at the highest level of marriage, a married state of mind.

A married state of mind is a mindset that prioritises spouse above all. It’s a state of oneness, not sameness, where it’s you and me first, and then it’s them. And “the m” often has to include the children too. It’s a place where you’ve cleaved enough to be one, and are totally and unashamedly transparent with one another.

It’s a place of loyalty, where your spouse knows you’ve got their back no matter what, no matter where, no matter who and no matter why. It’s “us ” united against intrusive in-laws for instance, instead of us fighting one another over them. It’s us fighting our financial situation as one, instead of us fighting one another over money.

A married state of mind is a place of trust, unity, loyalty and harmony. Like dance partners on the dance floor, one leads and the other gives way –and vice-versa –in a structured yet poetic rhythm of trust, focus and love.

It’s a place of lesser conflict, not because you’re avoiding them, have lost yourself in marriage or are naïve. But because you’ve allowed your spouse the right to be themselves and to fully express their uniqueness such that your differences don’t intimidate you.

It’s a place of maturity, where you find a way of embracing each other in your realities without the fear of being judged or criticised. You complement one another in your differences, and make them serve your marriage instead of them being a source of consternation and conflict.

To fully realise a married state of mind takes having a common understanding of why the two of you are joined together. It also means having a common purpose, a shared value system and similar levels of maturity. A married state of mind is built on the principle of unity and oneness, which teaches us the essence of marriage – a sacred covenant that binds two individuals into “one flesh” until they are separated by death.

Unity is not uniformity and oneness doesn’t mean similar. Each one brings their difference to form the whole. Unity doesn’t tolerate difference, but it celebrates it. “One flesh” denotes, just as your body cannot be separated into pieces and still remain whole, so it is with marriage, inseparable.

You are no longer two but one, a married couple. Becoming one is an intentional choice on the part of both spouses. It steers you in a common direction, alleviates stressful moments, reduces the possibility of disillusionment and fosters marital success.

Marriages in alignment provide a foundation for confident, stronger relationships. When couples are open and honest in communicating, it builds trust. They talk things out when they disagree. A married state of mind is connecting and willingness to grow together on all levels. It’s referring to “mine” as“ ours”, and then later back to “mine” again as referring to both of you. 

It’s sharing the mundane responsibility of running a household, doing chores, raising children, and providing for a family – some of the most down-to-earth aspects of married life. This very practical side of has deep roots in something that can only be characterised as profoundly spiritual.

Lastly, it’s the two of you identifying so deeply with one another you start looking at the world from each other’s point of view. This is a perspective you grow into over time, and after going through certain things in life that chisel you into oneness. It’s a married state of mind.