MO AND PHINDI | Intense romance, what people often call 'true love', has an expiry date

Isn’t it telling that the most frequently searched question on Google is: what is love?This fact probably reveals more about the society that asks an internet search engine such a thing, than any answer reveals about the nature of love.

But, then where else can we look to understand love? The fantasy-making machines of the world’s ultimate influencer, Hollywood, insist that there is only one answer worth indulging, and that is the romantic kind.

Movies try to convince us we’ll feel this way forever. “And they lived happily ever after”, the story usually ends. But have you noticed that we’re never shown how “happily ever after” looks like?

Most people, it would seem, agree, if only by default. They are dragged into seeking the person who will make them “happy ” even if it’s via a dating site, or by a less tangible, though no less keenly felt, urge cultivated by the same, dominant culture that insists we must find “the one”.

Truth is, intense romance –often what people call “love” –has an expiry date. No long-term relationship can maintain the initial chemistry that brought two people together forever.

The change in the intensity of our feelings is a natural process in marriage. It is normal to be head over heels for someone at the beginning. You have rose-coloured glasses on, and they can almost do no wrong in your eyes. But the longer you are with them, the more youstart to see their flaws as the intensity of feelings lessens.

But it doesn’t mean the love is gone. Feelings-driven romantic love fizzles out with time, while true love is strengthened by time, commitment and shared life experiences. True love is sober and is a conscious choice made in spite of circumstances.

But romantic love is dependent on circumstances. True love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. To sustain a marriage, feelings must evolve from romantic love to true, authentic love.

This is partly because you can’t literally be all over your spouse and still get stuff done. You shouldn’t marry someone just because you’re in love with them, in as much as you shouldn’t divorce them just because you’re no longer in love with them.

It’s normal and natural for romantic relationships to start out fiery and passionate, then slowly transition into warmth and stability. However when people speak about love, they often make romance the sum total of what love is.

They idealise romantic love and write poems about it. But romantic love is not everything. It could be the beginning, but it is certainly not the end. And true love doesn’t have to be romantic. Romantic love can never make you stay together when you take off your love-is-blind glasses and real life comes into play. Only true love can.

True love is not something you fall into, or that passively happens to you beyond your control. True love is an active choice that each day you must wake up and make. Romantic love, though important in a couple, is not everything. But true love gives value, meaning and inspires us to grow and be better human beings with meaningful contribution to society.

True love – the main ingredient of a lasting marriage – does not have to be romantic. When you truly love someone, you give love to them with no expectations of getting anything in return –because true love has no reason. It’s the love you selflessly offer your spouse freely, and don’t base it on what they do or don’t do for you in return.

You don’t love them because of anything –no matter how great, but you just do. The satisfaction in the expression of true love comes from giving, rather than receiving. Truly loving someone means your thoughts return to them regularly; you feel safe around them; life feels more purposeful; you want to spend a lot of time together, and because of this it’s easy to be romantic with them.

To truly love somebody isn’t just an emotions-driven deep feeling. It is a conscious choice and an assurance. Because love is a foundation for a couple’s promise to be with each other until death does them part.