BDE: What the hell is it?

“Hey, I’ve got an early morning tomorrow, so I’m gonna head out,” I whisper into her ear, the disappointment on her face clear as day. “But I’ve settled the bill. I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your evening.”

It is only 9pm on a Sunday evening and there are about 10 of us squeezed into a table at Matte Black, a posh restobar in Bryanston. Realising that the night is poised to go left, I decided to pull a rabbit out of the hat and leave an impression on her before I make a grand exit.

Let’s quickly take it back a few hours, for a bit of context. The day starts off on a high note at Fourways Farmers Market when two of my friends introduce me to this fine young lady, who is there with six or seven of her friends, celebrating a birthday.

After a beautiful afternoon at the market filled with drinks, good food, and a great vibe, we collectively decide to change venues and look for a spot where we can enjoy some evening drinks. When we get to Matte Black, it quickly becomes clear to me that people do not have money (or do not want to spend it).

I watch as the fine young lady I’ve been chatting to for most of the afternoon grows frustrated by the group’s collective indecisiveness before hastily ordering a bottle of Jägermeister and some mixers. Yes, that’s one bottle for about 10 of us.

Seeing how her mood has soured and how everybody now seems too tentative to even touch the bottle, I figure I have to come up with a master plan so I won’t be caught up in what I’m beginning to feel is sure to be a disastrous evening.

I pull one of my friends aside and ask him if he will split the bill for the bottle and then head out with me. I explain that this will help us escape a lame night out and the inevitable drama on the horizon. In reality, I mostly see this as an opportunity to display BDE (Big D*ck Energy), but I don’t have enough money to pay for it by myself — those bottles at Matte Black don’t come cheap, man.

He agrees, what a champ. I then quietly summon the waiter to the side and we pay the bill. After explaining to her that I (yes, I don’t give my friend his due credit, because that won’t be as cool) have settled the bill, I ask for her number. With a big smile now planted on her face, she obliges.

We will go on to link up a couple of times after that, and I attribute much of my subsequent success with her to that initial show of BDE.

I don’t know much about women, but I do know that they generally like men who are willing and able to take control. In that moment, while the other men around her were twiddling their thumbs, I came through and handled things. As far as she was concerned, I established myself as the alpha male in that setting by paying for a bottle I didn’t even drink.

So, what exactly is BDE, you ask? Well, first things first — you don’t need massive male genitalia to possess it. In fact, you don’t even need male genitalia at all. Writing for The Cut, Allison P Davis explains: “What we’re talking about is really more of an aura, a vibe. There are men with big d*cks, but who do not ooze BDE. There are men with average to little ones who can have so much BDE you’re surprised to find that their wang does not touch their knee.”

By this definition, and in the way I understand it, BDE is about exuding self-confidence that is not necessarily related to the size of your penis, bank account, intelligence, beauty, or any other societal standards that define your worth.

When I speak to a few friends of mine about this topic, I get some very interesting points. Ayanda, who’s typically one of my more analytical mates, shares his perspective.

“BDE is mostly attributed to more than just confidence — it’s an awe-striking, magnetic presence of a strong, confident, competent man with status. BDE obviously is energy; it doesn’t go with any material things, it’s just how someone carries themselves. But most of the time men embody this a lot, because it resembles strength and that ‘I’ve got this’ and ‘It’s handled’ kind of swagger.”

Ayanda adds that women can have BDE, too, but he doesn’t find it attractive. “When a woman embodies BDE, it is unattractive to men with BDE. Simply because they feel like men, and men don’t like to feel like there’s another man in a woman — what’s the point? And if you look at the dating market, when men have BDE they’re not hunting for women with BDE, they’re hunting for confident, beautiful, soft, ladylike women… What complements BDE is almost something opposite to it. It’s confidence too, but in a different way, because BDE is masculine energy.”

His is an interesting take, if perhaps slightly rooted in toxic masculinity. But, then again, the cultural ideal of manliness and what “real men” are about is entirely rooted in toxic masculinity. BDE essentially has nothing to do with penis size, but is rhetorically linked to a “big d*ck” because, societally speaking, that has always been viewed as a measure of a man’s worth.

I decide to speak to rapper Gigi LaMayne — a woman I feel exudes BDE — to hear her thoughts on the topic. “I believe in BDE,” she says. “BDE identifies with humans who exude (or want to be perceived as exuding) confidence, determination, and energy. This energy is felt by most and made a big characteristic by your partner if they are attracted to confidence, determination, and energy.”

She adds that she too believes women can have BDE. “We cannot prove this biologically; however, when working in industries in which males are more prevalent, women must exude BDE to make it past the adversities.

This ultimately means that BDE is used metaphorically as a way to describe confidence, control, and tenacity. This could be problematic, as one would then ask what the opposite exudes. I believe in fluidity in character, sexuality, and roles, so innately, without societal pressures, I associate with this term and its meaning.”

Hmmm, very insightful. For another female perspective, I speak to a female colleague, Olu, about whether women find BDE attractive. “Some men just ooze BDE and I think it’s a turn-on. I’m thinking back to my most recent interaction with a male, and I think they had BDE because they didn’t have to say a lot but they were just screaming confidence and a feeling like they know they’re the sh*t, even though maybe they’re not. It’s just so attractive.

A man must step with confidence. Sometimes you’ve got to sell yourself with that energy, where people just feel you. I think it’s about self-belief… it’s something that just happens.”

I then reach out to Richelle Steyn, an evolutionary astrologer, to understand whether there is a relation between BDE and one’s star sign. “Offhand, I would say there are many different types of BDE, correlating to many different astrology signatures. BDE is also not an objective phenomenon.

Some women think Elon Musk has BDE; others think he’s a geeky nerd. Same for Prince or Pete Davidson. If I had to speculate in the absence of solid research, I would say that big, on-stage energy, flair, confidence, potency, and sex appeal may be correlated with big fire signatures.”

But she adds that BDE is something you can also cultivate. “Two specific examples are Michael Hutchence (INXS) and Jim Morrison (Doors). They were both excruciatingly shy and lacking in confidence on stage when they started their singing careers, and then just transformed into big stage presences as their careers and confidence took off.”

Astrologer Dianne Garven feels that there’s a definite relation between BDE and one’s chart. “One’s chart will give a very clear indication of confidence, arrogance, or the lack of it. We cannot isolate the star sign/zodiac sign alone to make this assessment — all the planets and configurations need to be considered; this is what we refer to when we talk about the chart.

A chart is created from the birth information given that basically shows us what the sky looked like at the time of the person’s birth and that is what is interpreted, not just the star/zodiac sign. Some star/zodiac signs are more prone to over-confidence than others.

I also believe that by fully understanding the chart, one can help the individual cultivate [BDE] by focusing on particular chart configurations and developing it.”

By this account, we can all cultivate our BDE and be purposeful about exhibiting it. I may or may not exhibit BDE naturally, but on that night at Matte Black I took what many would consider an extreme step to showcase BDE by paying that bill (with my friend’s help, of course).

Not sure I’ll be doing that again, though. That bill was steep!