Question: In my 26 years I've witnessed the abuse and pain my father put my mother through. I am fearful of commitment and even make sure my relationships are short term. How can I change this?
Boitumelo Replies: It's normal to have fear, given your traumatic upbringing. Unresolved trauma can create fear, insecurities and helplessness. It can make you avoid situations that make you relive your painful experiences. It's abnormal when it starts being a negative, destructive influence. Empty, superficial relationships can only bring you more harm. Priority is to rebuild your emotional wellbeing. It is healthy to take a break from relationships until you are ready to handle a fulfilling and lasting relationship.
MOM Replies: The first thing you need to know is that you and your mother are two different people. It is within your capabilities to ensure that your circumstances are not the same. Be aware of any man who enters your life who makes you feel small and scared. Don't be optimistic, leave at the first sign of discomfort. Don't let your mother's life imprison you. Be a soldier, take charge. You only have one life.
Question: I am 20-year- old female who grew up feeling rejected and isolated by my stepfather and stepsisters. My mother never stood up for me. I don't believe I am good enough and worth living. What can I do?
Boitumelo Replies: This can be difficult to overcome by yourself. However, you have to choose to live for you, and that can be empowering. Explore options that can bring meaning and purpose to your life, like spiritual health. Also know that even the people who gave birth to you are not the final judges of your personal worth. Affirmation from others does not determine your existence.
MOM Replies: What doesn't kill you makes you strong, dahlink! When they thought they were putting you down, they were actually strengthening you and building you up. I want you to pick a sport and immerse yourself in it. Sport has a way of building people's confidence and character. Cinderella eventually married a prince. You know the story. Be your own Cinderella. You have a full life ahead of you. Live it!
- Tshenkeng is a qualified clinical psychologist with a special interest in relationships and issues affecting women and children. Contact:tumi.tshenkeng@gmail.com
- Mahlobo is a seduction expert, relationship coach and author of May The Best Bitch Win. E-mail her at: mandisaomahlobo@gmail.com
Father's abuse of my mom scarred me for life
Question: In my 26 years I've witnessed the abuse and pain my father put my mother through. I am fearful of commitment and even make sure my relationships are short term. How can I change this?
Boitumelo Replies: It's normal to have fear, given your traumatic upbringing. Unresolved trauma can create fear, insecurities and helplessness. It can make you avoid situations that make you relive your painful experiences. It's abnormal when it starts being a negative, destructive influence. Empty, superficial relationships can only bring you more harm. Priority is to rebuild your emotional wellbeing. It is healthy to take a break from relationships until you are ready to handle a fulfilling and lasting relationship.
MOM Replies: The first thing you need to know is that you and your mother are two different people. It is within your capabilities to ensure that your circumstances are not the same. Be aware of any man who enters your life who makes you feel small and scared. Don't be optimistic, leave at the first sign of discomfort. Don't let your mother's life imprison you. Be a soldier, take charge. You only have one life.
Question: I am 20-year- old female who grew up feeling rejected and isolated by my stepfather and stepsisters. My mother never stood up for me. I don't believe I am good enough and worth living. What can I do?
Boitumelo Replies: This can be difficult to overcome by yourself. However, you have to choose to live for you, and that can be empowering. Explore options that can bring meaning and purpose to your life, like spiritual health. Also know that even the people who gave birth to you are not the final judges of your personal worth. Affirmation from others does not determine your existence.
MOM Replies: What doesn't kill you makes you strong, dahlink! When they thought they were putting you down, they were actually strengthening you and building you up. I want you to pick a sport and immerse yourself in it. Sport has a way of building people's confidence and character. Cinderella eventually married a prince. You know the story. Be your own Cinderella. You have a full life ahead of you. Live it!
- Tshenkeng is a qualified clinical psychologist with a special interest in relationships and issues affecting women and children. Contact:tumi.tshenkeng@gmail.com
- Mahlobo is a seduction expert, relationship coach and author of May The Best Bitch Win. E-mail her at: mandisaomahlobo@gmail.com
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