Everyday when I wake up, I think, I feel, think, feel, feel, think, I think until I cant feel what I think or think about what I feel because I miss what I feel when I think of her.

Now what I think is more controlled by what I feel or should I say – my mind is more controlled by my heart. Either way, it doesn’t work for me because I just miss her.

I miss her because I’ve come to a stand still in my life where I’m supposed to accept what I see before my eyes that she’s all I ever wanted and needed in my life though she is gone. I miss her because my mind wants to move forward but my heart is still living in the past; I always think and dream about her……..damn I miss her!

I keep convincing my self that I have moved on but if that is the case, why do I always keep on thinking, feeling and missing her so much? They say time heals…but does it? I guess the time we spent together got us so close that I cant handle not being without her so my not facing the past has caught up with me.

I miss her light brown skin and those big gorgeous eyes that always brightened my day, I miss that curvaceous and bootylicious body that turned heads, I miss that smooth voice that was never too loud nor too low, I miss the shy acts she put up when we were together, the playful woman she was, yes I miss her! I miss wiping off tears of joy on those chubby reddish chicks, I envy the wind that blew through her long black silky hair & touched her lips.

I miss how she always made feel like the planet was made just for the two of us, the smile that always gave me hope, the eyes that were full of passion and care, the words of wisdom and encouragement that always made strong when in doubt, the hug that always said it will be alright, I miss her, I really do!  

I miss the comfort, intelligence, emotion maturity and the great sense of humor that can never be replaced, I miss her because everything I think, see, hear, say and do takes me back to her! What should I do, should I go on pretending? Should I sit back and hope that some day I will find some one like her?...is it fate? But it doesn’t matter what happens for I will always miss her.

Its difficult, I’m hurting because there is a missing piece in the puzzle – I cant move on; I cant let bygones by bygones but nor can I live in the past forever because the past never lies in the past especially when it feels like the present you desire and dream of daily.

A BOOK HALF CLOSED IS NOT CLOSED AT ALL…… FOR I WILL ALWAYS MISS HER!

• Written by BONGA MABALEKA for YouthTube, a SowetanLIVE initiative dedicated to the youth.
• If you're aged between 13 - 25, you can share your views, story, song, dance, anything you wish to express with us. Email:tellus@sowetan.co.za