Presidency's confusing messages

IN TIMES of uncertainty, Guluva looks up to his elders, including the country's leadership, for guidance and, well, leadership.

As the debt crisis continues to wreak havoc in the PIGS (Portugal, Italy, Greece and Spain) "economic bloc" with no end in sight, Guluva and his mates reckoned it was very thoughtful of The Man With a White Goatee to stand up, as the country's second in command, and reassure all of us here in Mzansi that there was nothing to worry about as our dealings with those economies were limited.

The Man With a White Goatee reassuringly said in Parliament the other day: "Although the EU (European Union) is South Africa's biggest trading partner, exports to Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece and Spain (PIIGS) constitute just 5% of the total."

In essence, what he was saying was that South Africa's exposure to the euro zone crisis was low. This, in turn, meant that the goods we produce in Mzansi still had markets in 95% of the EU.

"The Man With a Goatee for president," Guluva heard himself chanting, before he slapped himself on the wrist.

Guluva had every reason to walk around with a big smile on his face the next day. But he should have known better: no word is final until Mzansi's first in command - the Machine Gun Man himself - has spoken.

Said the Machine Gun Man at an investment conference in Cape Town the following day: "The threat to the South African economy is very high and given how the euro zone, in particular, has handled the situation, they have been very hesitant to take final decisions."

To say that Guluva was left confused is an understatement. If Mzansi's top two citizens pull in different directions, where does it leave the country?

The road to Mangaung is going to be a long and thorny one indeed.

A spin doctor for Mac

WHEN Mac the Mechanic arrived at the Union Buildings to fix the communication imbroglio that had engulfed the presidency and had often made the president look silly, indecisive, clueless and hapless, many people agreed the former garbage collector was the man with the right tools for the job.

Always calm and measured, Mac the Mechanic systematically started fine-tuning the way the presidency interacted with the media, with the result that the Machine Gun Man can now sleep like a baby at night with no worry that the communications wheels will come off.

Guluva and his mates even thought that Mac the Mechanic was Mzansi's answer to the United Kingdom's public relations guru, Max Clifford. That was the case until Mac the Mechanic prevented the Mail & Guardian from publishing a story that sought to claim he lied while giving evidence to the now-disbanded Scorpions.

What followed was one public relations nightmare after another, which saw Mac the Mechanic losing his cool, throwing tantrums, threateningly waving the finger at journalists, contradicting himself, being evasive, changing his story and generally speaking in tongues.

Though Mac the Mechanic has brilliantly managed the Machine Gun Man's brand over the past few months, Mac the Mechanic has performed poorly at managing Mac the Mechanic's own brand. Maybe it's time for Mac the Mechanic to hire the services of a spin doctor to manage Mac the Mechanic's personal affairs.