Cycle of abuse must end

IN 1994 I got divorced. I raised my three children alone without any parental or financial help from their father.

I am sure that there are many women my age who have a similar story. Now I am watching the young women of the next generation doing the same. This is of great concern to me. When does this stop?

Are we saying, as black women, it is okay for our men to bring children into this world and not take responsibility for them.

I was so shocked by the fatherlessness in our society and by the way women are being treated that I decided that it was not going to happen with my sons.

I raised my sons to be good men. I trained them to be good leaders of their homes, good husbands to their wives and good fathers to their children.

When I see them today living by those values, it is so rewarding to me. I trained my daughter too. I taught her to love herself, to know that she is valuable and that she deserves a man who will love and respect her.

However, this is something that happened in one household.

It does not solve the escalating social problems of our country. I believe we cannot just watch and do nothing.

We have been waiting for our men to change. But we have to accept that it is not going to happen any time soon. We have been complaining about the way our men are treating us and the general abuse of women. Our complaining has not changed their behaviour.

We as women have to take responsibility for having accepted the abuse and do something to change the situation.

We are responsible for the choices we make. Remaining in an abusive relationship is a choice you make. We have to get to the root of the problem and we have to take our share of the blame for what has happened.

One of the things I have observed is that there is a great myth that we believe as women. It is a belief that we have an unmet need of love.

We are doing our best to try and meet the need. We are prepared to do anything, accept mistreatment and abuse to meet it.

Men may think we love them or that we are obsessed with them, the truth is we are obsessed with meeting this need.

We give up when the need is not met and we go on to find another victim. Men have no capacity to meet the need and we are also not capable of really loving anyone as long as we have not dealt with the problem.

We have to acknowledge this in us and deal with it.

There are many reasons for this myth. It may be that you felt rejected as a child or you have had bad experiences in love relationships. The need is not real.

We have to take responsibility for our emotional state and solve the problem.

Our emotional state also contributes to the way we are being treated. This is all just food for the ego in both the woman with the need and the man who is abusive.

It has no value for the soul. This is different from the natural need for a mate. I believe real love is free.

You would not remain in an abusive relationship if you were looking for natural love.

The second thing is that, as women, we have to love ourselves and know our value.

We cannot expect men to love us when we do not love ourselves or to appreciate our value when we do not know our own value.

We would not have accepted the abuse we have taken if we really loved ourselves. You cannot do that to someone you love.

Why are we doing it to ourselves. Anyone who does not appreciate our value does not deserve us.

Proverbs says: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing."

It is high time that women realise that they are a good thing.

We also have to appreciate that our culture contributes to the way women are treated. White people get involved in relationships or get married to be happy.

That is not the case with us. In the olden days when women got married, they were expected to take care of their husband and his family, bear him children and make a home for the family.

Happiness was not part of the deal. Our men did not grow up in homes where they saw happy, loving relationships.

Instead of accepting this perpetuation of abusive relationships, let us teach our men how to love and respect us.

We have to do this with maturity and we have to be patient, because the situation will not change overnight.

We cannot allow the continued abuse of women by hiding behind culture. Culture evolves. I am not even saying let us adopt the Western culture.

I am saying let us find relationships characterised by love and mutual respect within the context of an African culture.

We all have a responsibility, both men and women, to do something about our social problems. We all need to change and learn new habits. It is scary to see the changing social dynamics of our country.

One wonders what kind of legacy we are going to leave for our children if nothing is done.

Some of these dynamics are women-led households of all ages, young people opting to live together and have children rather than getting married.

Our young girls have three kids before finishing matric.

South African black women are tired of not being appreciated by their men and they are opting for foreigners and white men.

I have no problem with these choices, I am more concerned by the long-term social impact. We are finding alternatives rather than solving the problem.

There is so much spiritual and scientific guidance available today, that we really have no excuse.

No one is going to solve these problems, we have to rise up as this generation to solve them.

I am afraid if we don't we will leave our children with an irreparable social problem.

The writer is the chief executive of Gobodo Inc and is writing in her personal capacity