IF HE WON'T PLEASE YOU, HE'S SELFISH
T IS well-recorded that men are more selfish than women. Yes, we love them, but they are definitely the most selfish sex - and some more so than others.
Don't take this personally men. There are studies and experiences to back it up. The media has run a number of stories about high-profile men and celebrities who do not pay papgeld, but enjoy the good life with girlfriends and wives.
We know about men who, when they become celebrities, dump their childhood sweethearts for more-glamorous women. We have read about high-profile men who cheat on their beautiful wives.
The list goes on and on.
Steven Rhoads, author of Taking Sex Differences Seriously, says men are fundamentally more selfish than women. Unlike women, they're simply less interested in people. And they're less empathetic.
He points to many studies that show from an early age that boys pay less attention to people and more attention to things.
The study shows that as early as the age of five weeks, a baby girl can identify the cry of another baby, whereas this is much later for a boy child.
"Boy babies will tend to pay more attention to geometric shapes and flashing lights, whereas girl babies will spend twice as much time looking into a person's eyes," he says.
Dr James McBride Dabbs, author of Heroes, Rogues and Lovers: Testosterone and Behavior, says it's a testosterone thing.
Dabbs says though most people fall into a middle range, very high testosterone levels can be detrimental.
"The very high testosterone male is likely to be lean and balding, oriented toward action rather than contemplation, combative and a bit wild; he also has a high libido, doesn't smile much, tends not to live as long and may be unemployed," he submits.
Dabbs also found a correlation between high testosterone and divorce. He says married men have the lowest levels of testosterone, single men and divorced men who are remarried fall in the middle, and divorced men have the highest levels.
Both socialisation and hormones shape the way we are, he says, it's not just one or the other. With proper socialisation, high testosterone can work to a person's benefit, as tends to be the case with trial lawyers and actors.
How spot a selfish man? www.askmen.com has a few pointers:
Does he talk about himself constantly as if he's trying to impress you?
If he does, it's not only you, he probably talks to everyone about himself. This could be because that's all he knows about and-or cares about. In the end though, he's probably just like a commercial, you know the ones where they try to make a product look better than the product really is.
When you got into his car or walked up to a door, did he open it for you?
Some women want to be treated as equals, but men opening doors is a very good sign that he is showing respect, courtesy and appreciation. My grandfather instructed me that I should always open doors for women, all women.
When I asked him about this practice when I was older, I was told that women deserve to have doors opened and chairs pulled out for them because they do so much for men and this is a sign that you appreciate them for all they do.
Does he bring you lunch or dinner to your workplace to ensure you have eaten when he knows you are busy? Do you have to ask, or does he volunteer to do it?
Women do this for men all the time. Why shouldn't a man return the favour? He should and it is required if he is not selfish. You shouldn't even have to ask, he should do this without question.
The 50-50 rule is that whatever you do for him, he should be willing to do for you and more. So if you've been with a man for awhile, ask yourself, "How many times has he brought me something to eat at work without my asking?"
Does he go out of his way to make sure you are safe and secure?
Would he drive to your work late at night just to walk you to your car to make sure you are safe? Does he ask you, before hanging up after a late night talk, "Are the doors and windows secure?"
If he does these things it's because he cares and you are important to him. He puts your wellbeing ahead of his own, which shows total unselfishness.
Does he ask for your opinion consistently and follow your advice on important matters? Or does he make all the decisions in the relationship?
Only a selfish person would make a decision for two people that effects them both without consulting the other for their input. So if he goes out and makes a large purchase without discussing it with you, he's selfish.
Does he know when you are tired, frustrated, happy, or sick without your having to tell him?
If he cannot tell what your mental or physical condition is on site then he's really not paying enough attention to you. He should pick up on all of these quickly.
You should never have to tell him that you are not feeling well. He should know. I bet you know when he's under the weather without asking.
Selfish people are only aware of how they feel and overlook problems or issues that effect everyone else.
Does he adopt an attitude or attempt to make you feel guilty if you say you have a headache or are too tired to make love?
Women and men differ when it comes to sex. As one person stated, women sometimes need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
If he cannot understand that you're tired and respect this for what it is, it's because he's selfish and only concerned with his own needs.
Would he cancel plans to go to a sporting event with friends just because you had the flu?
An unselfish man would and he would expect his friends to understand. If you're ill he'll want to be there to take care of you just like the 50-50 rule implies.
In the event you could get an unselfish man to actually go to the game anyway, he wouldn't be happy about it and he'd be calling you every 30 minutes or so to see if he needs to come home.
A selfish man won't call and when he comes home he'll expect you to get up and make him something to eat because he probably drank too much.
Does he love his car more than you?
Ever had a boyfriend who had a car that even though you two live together he will not let you drive? He has to wash it every week and vacuum it and tells you to wipe your feet before getting in?
That's the guy who will park on the other side of the parking lot late at night so no one dings the door on this machine, then tells you to walk across a darkly lit parking garage on the wrong side of town while he stays with the car to ensure it's safety.
No concerns about you during this time, only that damn car. He's selfish! I don't care how much he paid for it, he should be concerned about you that much and not a machine.
Will he accompany you to do something you like to do (though it's something men don't do) just to be able to spend time with you?
In every relationship there are things that the other does not like to do.
I once had a girlfriend who loved going to plays. I hated it, but by going, it allowed me some extra time to spend with her and it was well worth it.
In the end I began to like going because it made her happy and I was just happy to be with her. To be able to do this, I had to be unselfish, if not, I would have been selfish in trying to dictate to her the places I would accompany her.
Most men don't like to go shopping, a selfish man will not go with you to buy your clothes. An unselfish one will not only accompany you, but will assist in the selection of items he would like to see you wear.
Every man wants to go shopping when you're going to Victoria's Secret. How about the man who will go shopping with you just to be able to spend extra time with you?
There is nothing more important to a man than when his woman shows a act of total unselfishness, like arrive on his job with a nice meal unexpectedly or to forgo plans she'd made months in advance simply because he wasn't feeling well. Isn't it time men returned the favour?
I think so too. You ladies deserve this type of unselfish acts too, no, you've earned it and rightly so.
So now, just in case I missed something in the paragraphs above let me make it clear that any man who takes advantage of you in any manner is selfish.
He is only thinking of himself if you are not his only woman, if he doesn't properly take care of you, if he doesn't give you the proper amount of attention, if he leaves you unsatisfied after love making and doesn't work to correct it properly.
He's selfish if he puts anything or anyone before you if you are his true love as he says. If he will not miss a night at the bar with friends to take you to the movies, he's selfish.
If he cannot commit to just you and he, he's selfish. If he only comes to see you when he wants something, he's selfish.
In short, if he doesn't treat you the same way he expects to be treated by you, then he is selfish.
Now the only thing left to be asked is this, "Are you selfish to expect a man to do those things that a unselfish man will do for you?"
Damn right, you're selfish but as a woman you can be, because you've earned this right.