Women who go celibate are the bee's knees

Celibacy might as well be a four letter word. I loathe it, cringe at the slightest mention and almost beheaded that married so-called friend of mine who said, "put on the chastity belt".

Celibacy might as well be a four letter word. I loathe it, cringe at the slightest mention and almost beheaded that married so-called friend of mine who said, "put on the chastity belt".

I get writer's block just thinking about it. People should really learn to mind their own business, unless they have something smart to say.

How do you tell someone to abstain when the universe has granted you a lifetime of self indulgence? No, some people need to think before gabbing because stupid things have a way of sounding like cruel things. I mean really!

Okay, back to celibacy. As far as I'm concerned 30-somethings have a right to feast till they drop and take up where they left off in the morning. Good regular sex is healthy and I look at it as some form of reward for all the patience and restraint we exercised when we still wanted our husbands to find us sealed. That's a topic for another day.

But I have never made peace with the tipping scales. Why must a woman be a virgin and a man whore all he wants and then turn around and want a virgin?

We all want delicious regular sex for various valid reasons, but after much thought to the stupid woman's suggestion, I realised she might be onto something. There comes a time when you have to keep those legs crossed.

Some shut the doors for the purpose of punishing spouses, getting some level of commitment, sheer exhaustion, manipulation and very seldom, to give it a break.

The last thing anyone needs then is someone else telling them to wear a chastity belt. People just love butting in. Celibacy requires immeasurable levels of self discipline and since some of us only started with the fornication business in our 20s, someone needs to watch it.

Sex is good, sex is nice and I have learnt recently that a hormone called oxytocin is released during the act and is the culprit behind passion crimes and such.

But it's also the cement that seals souls. And I hear it takes months for the effects to wear off, so hence my personal rehab on the hormone.

Yet, try and take on that vow and watch gentlemen behave like bees to a pot of honey. They look at abstinence as the invisible middle finger towards the male species and are out to nip this habit in the bud.

Sometimes I wonder if Mother Nature is sitting on the highest cloud with her naughty son Cupid and laughing their arses off in their mischievous ways.

How did my colleague decide "to hell with men", take up martial arts classes, (anger can be a funny thing too) only to end up threatening violence to a cute pilot who won't back off? I'll tell you how. In the exact way it does everyone.

First, it makes guys find you totally irresistible. This could be a new way of attracting fabulous stalkers. Tell someone, even a friend, that you are going cold turkey on sex and in no time the word is out there and things start happening, even gay guys approach you.

Perhaps the logic here is to test your commitment to the new resolve. It could also be a message from beyond, to say: "Are you backing off so soon from the game? C'mon you coward."

These days my karateka friend and I are comparing notes as to which men will unlock the bolts on the metal belts.

One told Woman A to say the word and her child's school fees will be paid by the weekend. One told me if I gave him one night, a whopping R12000 would be in my bank account by morning.

Never mind that he smiles and I shudder. Has he never heard of tooth-bleaching procedures that costs far less than R12000? Woman A says hers looks like Donald Trump without the cash.

And there's strength in numbers too. They all look and ask: How long has it been now? Anything beyond three months is simply irresistible, six months is close to virginity and after a year, you might as well be a reed dancer.

Men are so silly. I miss them sometimes. There seems to be a common belief that the longer you stay away from the game, the more desirable you become.

And there has never been a more retarded notion. They spin at the thought; will chase like dogs, but give it to them and they act clueless, even terrified at times.

If you are very lucky, they might hold your sexual prowess against you and bolt.

Can't men make up their minds? No, don't bother answering that. I've lost interest in the many logic-defying, detrimental and contradicting answers.

And we are supposed to believe the crap about them being the heads. Yes, if they stand upside down and you look from the waist downwards. Hopefully they will be erect at that stage because you can imagine the opposite.

But before I sound like my narcissist married creature, I have to say that even though celibacy is such a tragicomic situation and Cupid and his mom are having a free show, I am marvelling at the attention.

I'm even thinking that it's the reason behind many felons' fetish with female judges. Clearly, very few men like the head-of-family role. And the only way to gain the upper hand is to go cold turkey. I just have to make sure I get that R12000 without Ugly Smile noticing. I might just pull it off ...