MISERABLE FIGHTING COUPLES NEVER SEEM TO PART WAYS
How do you say back off in French? I know French is not among our 11 languages but lately I've been tempted to say it in all the languages of the world.
People just won't let me be, you know, leave me alone, stand down, fly away Peter.
All I ever did was act on impulse and the world thinks I should be stoned to death. Some raise their glass when I enter the room. I do appreciate the attention but after two weeks it's enough.
Besides, there are people who have done far worse and their deeds are water under the bridge and life is a song again.
Fighting couples are my biggest mystery. Have you ever seen the on-again-off-again couples that never seem to part ways regardless? I'm talking couples that might have been together for five years but have in essence been together for just under two years.
Singer Danny K and his girlfriend Vanessa come to mind. Those guys kill me. What's the point? And the sad thing is they don't want to fight either and have lived in the hope that one day they will get to the core of their problems.
Some say that's the spirit but if you are going to make each other unhappy what's the use? That's too much like fighting for peace and there's more to life.
Passion wars create a crack that allows outside voices, doubts, misery and inevitably space to enter. Yes, space is a good thing. It provides a couple with breathing time, introspection time, to be able to fart in your own bed without wondering how many times you did it.
We are more human when we don't live to please our other. More importantly, we are kinder to ourselves when we don't have to share compassion for both ourselves and our better halves.
So fighting couples part ways, change security codes, date other people and go to bed wondering where their real spouses are?
And as the universe considers estranged lovers and relatives, you can be sure it's just a matter of time before you know that the love of your life is kissing other people and possibly having the time of his life. Then jealousy sets in.
Once things have reached that gut-wrenching feeling stage, it sort of becomes clear that one of these days the dance will most probably commence.
Cupid will also make sure to nudge you with memories. Oh memories will mar your mind and I swear they are the main reason why people lose their minds, drink themselves silly and make every other prospect the biggest joke.
Fighting couples are addicted to each other and finding a replacement is like finding a replica for someone like Naomi Campbell or the movie Titanic.
After my break-up I went on a date with someone who only had good teeth, good manners, good looks, a snazzy car, great job, good education, acute intelligence and a single status going for him.
He could use a real personality, though. His choice of radio stations, my goodness! Say something and he says: "Wow!"
Me: Can I make you a sandwich?
Me: It doesn't matter who gets elected, politics are politics and everyone is out to loot.
Me: I'd rather adopt a child than have a pet.
Me: Enough with the wow!
The bottom line is that addiction or no addiction, the heart wants what it wants. So they get back together again.
My other comic couple is the play station mania couple. I thought I had seen the last of him when he came to drop off their keys at my place not too long ago. Then, out of the blue, he pitched up at my place to fetch "their" braai stand. I just had to laugh, and judging by his sheepish-smile response the joke was on them.
"They just need to realise that they love each other and stop the games," said a man with a home in disarray, my ex that is.
And just like everyone outside the situation he had a clearer insight into the salsa known as their relationship. Clearly these people are drawn by forces of nature into their melodrama and the rest of us just need to back the hell off. It's not as if they beat each other or cheat.
For some of us, though, things are slightly different. Sometimes you just want to be happy and if the one you love the most can't give you joy for more than two months at a go, other avenues beckon.
So I heeded my call and went out with the "Wow" guy and things went downhill. I was rude to him, wanted my way or no way at all. I made impossible demands, which included his giving me a foot massage for over an hour - which he fulfilled with a smile on his face.
But when he so much as wanted a kiss I would sneer like a bitch. "Rha! I'm too beautiful" and so goes my story of moving on. I guess Tina Turner's Nam Yoho Renge Kyo is in order for me.