Pay up, says mom, words not enough

Sarah Masango is a 58-year-old mother who has five grown, independent children. She works at a retail outlet, and lives in Witbank.

She has done a great job putting her kids through school, providing them with necessities, and also taking care of their financial needs throughout the years.

Masango is also a grandmother, and while many people would assume she is enjoying her golden years after raising her kids to be responsible, independent adults, Masango says she is very upset.

She insists her kids now owe her and must pay her back. It is now the kids' turn to take care of her.

"When I think of how much I sacrificed to raise my kids, it makes me sad I still have to go to work on a daily basis at my age.

"I have been providing for them since birth, going to work - come rain or shine, sick or not - and ensuring that they are well taken care of.

"I have worked very hard for them to be who they are today, and at my age, I feel it is only fair that they take care of me in return."

Masango says although some of her kids currently give her a bit of money occasionally, she insists they could do more.

"Why must I even ask? I should have my every need taken care of, the same way I ensured theirs were taken care of.

"Right now, I receive R1000 here and R1000 there from my kids, and I feel it is not enough, because I still have to get up and go to work at my age. I should be lying back and enjoying the rewards of the seeds that I sowed."

Masango says verbal gratitude is not enough, as struggling parents need support with airtime, groceries, and spending money.

She says kids of today are ungrateful when they focus solely on themselves. "Take care of your parents, and blessings shall follow you, you'll see," she says.

Is Masango's stance fair?

Clinical psychologist Phyllis Ndlovu says that it is all a matter of perspective. "I don't think it's a matter of being fair or not. Rather, taking care of aging parents is more of a value system and a cultural system. My general observation is that in western cultures taking care of parents is not central to daily living. Parents are comfortably placed in a home and perhaps visited every now and then.

"By contrast, in many African cultures, taking care of aging parents is part of who people are and what holds the society together.

"It is not about paying back, it's more about acknowledging the circle of life, that we are who we are because of those who have gone before us.

"So helping to take care of parents is acknowledgement and appreciation. Seeing it as an obligation reduces it to a transaction."

This understanding needs to be imparted during the child-rearing stage, when parents instil values of caring and sharing with those close to them , she says.

Ndlovu cautions that parents who insist on being owed by their kids may be inadvertently damaging them psychologically.

"The burden of obligation may build resentment within the child. Remember that in most cases, the parents' views about the child are very important for the child's self worth - regardless of how old the child is. So even in adulthood, when our parents are disapproving of us, this may leave us unsettled."

So what is a reasonable amount to pay back your parents? Ndlovu says a balance is needed.

"There is no absolute figure that is fair or not fair. The context must determine what is reasonable and what is exorbitant. Open and honest conversation will help to get to a mutually agreeable resolution."