THE death of a spouse or a divorce is one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.
It may take months or years but at some point the mourning comes to an end and life must go on. Moving on includes finding another partner, which brings along with it the awkward and often emotionally difficult conversation with the children about heading back into the dating world.
*Sibongile Dlamini, 43, from White River in Mpumalanga, lost her husband in a car accident four years ago.
"I immediately told myself that I would not date again because I was in so much pain. I couldn't imagine dating another man," Dlamini says.
She has two children with her husband and they were still in primary school at the time of their father's death.
"It has been four years now. I have dealt with his death as well [as I] could and my children are older now."
Dlamini says she is dating someone but her children don't know and she prefers it that way.
"I think they are still young, even though they are older than they were when my husband died, I don't want to confuse them," she says.
Pam Gillingham, director of the Family Life Centre, says it is important as a parent to acknowledge that this may be difficult for the children and that they will always have an attachment to the absent parent.
"This attachment and the feelings towards the absent parent are sacred, and the parent must demonstrate respect for that relationship," Gillingham says.
This may seem one-sided but the children also have responsibilities of their own.
"It is fair to ask the child to respect how the parent feels about starting to date again," Gillingham says.
Although Dlamini waited four years, Gillingham says there is no time frame about when to start dating again.
"Every situation and every individual responds to divorce and death uniquely. There is no one 'correct' time for everyone.
"Often, people decide on their readiness based on other individual factors such as degree of loneliness and resolution of past losses and so on," Gillingham says.
Dlamini seems reluctant to even broach the subject with her two children but for the parents who do feel the need to bring it up, Gillingham says parents should never say anything that would cause the child to feel unheard, dis-acknowledged or rejected.
"Being defensive or aggressive will only fuel any negative feelings that the children have about the parent's dating.
"However, the parent shouldn't give in to the children's demands or emotional blackmail."
In terms of the in-laws, if the relationship was bad to begin with, then including them in the new dating life may not be the best idea.
Depending on how close the relationship was with the in-laws, Gillingham says that if it feels appropriate to share information about the new dating partner, then it may be suitable to do so.
*Not her real name
For more stories like this one, be sure to buy the Sowetan newspaper from Mondays to Fridays
Moving on after mourning - dating new partner can be emotionally difficult
THE death of a spouse or a divorce is one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through.
It may take months or years but at some point the mourning comes to an end and life must go on. Moving on includes finding another partner, which brings along with it the awkward and often emotionally difficult conversation with the children about heading back into the dating world.
*Sibongile Dlamini, 43, from White River in Mpumalanga, lost her husband in a car accident four years ago.
"I immediately told myself that I would not date again because I was in so much pain. I couldn't imagine dating another man," Dlamini says.
She has two children with her husband and they were still in primary school at the time of their father's death.
"It has been four years now. I have dealt with his death as well [as I] could and my children are older now."
Dlamini says she is dating someone but her children don't know and she prefers it that way.
"I think they are still young, even though they are older than they were when my husband died, I don't want to confuse them," she says.
Pam Gillingham, director of the Family Life Centre, says it is important as a parent to acknowledge that this may be difficult for the children and that they will always have an attachment to the absent parent.
"This attachment and the feelings towards the absent parent are sacred, and the parent must demonstrate respect for that relationship," Gillingham says.
This may seem one-sided but the children also have responsibilities of their own.
"It is fair to ask the child to respect how the parent feels about starting to date again," Gillingham says.
Although Dlamini waited four years, Gillingham says there is no time frame about when to start dating again.
"Every situation and every individual responds to divorce and death uniquely. There is no one 'correct' time for everyone.
"Often, people decide on their readiness based on other individual factors such as degree of loneliness and resolution of past losses and so on," Gillingham says.
Dlamini seems reluctant to even broach the subject with her two children but for the parents who do feel the need to bring it up, Gillingham says parents should never say anything that would cause the child to feel unheard, dis-acknowledged or rejected.
"Being defensive or aggressive will only fuel any negative feelings that the children have about the parent's dating.
"However, the parent shouldn't give in to the children's demands or emotional blackmail."
In terms of the in-laws, if the relationship was bad to begin with, then including them in the new dating life may not be the best idea.
Depending on how close the relationship was with the in-laws, Gillingham says that if it feels appropriate to share information about the new dating partner, then it may be suitable to do so.
*Not her real name
For more stories like this one, be sure to buy the Sowetan newspaper from Mondays to Fridays
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