A name is for keeps, think hard about it

AS A parent you probably know how emotional it can be when you have just been blessed with a lovely baby, and have to bestow a memorable name on the tender bundle of life.

When we succumb to strong emotions most of us are not capable of thinking straight and logically.

So I was not overly surprised when a French couple named their newly born daughter Nutella, a tribute to the chocolate-hazelnut spread that they are so fond of. Thankfully, when they tried to put their child's name in the national registry, the court objected to the name.

Imagine the poor girl going through life groaning under that albatross of a name. The French court struck a compromise, agreeing to register the girl under the name Ella. When the child grows up she can lie with a straight face and tell everyone that she was named after Ella Fitzgerald, or some other famous Ella.

Some children are not so lucky. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's daughter's first name is North. As a result, her full name is North West. I can bet my bottom dollar that that name will come to haunt the poor child long after her parents have faded away from the limelight. "North West stranded in South Africa."

And how about Willow, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith's daughter. She's lucky she's not Zulu because in my mother tongue that name would translate to Mnyezane. That doesn't sound cool, does it? "Hey, Mnyezane, what are you doing to that child?"

But my own middle name doesn't sound exceptionally cool when you translate it from Zulu to English. My parents were ambitious, they called me Vusisizwe - or "Resurrect the Nation" in English. In Zulu it sounds tolerable. You can even shorten it to Vusi or, sexify it and call me Mavusana - except Mavusana doesn't sound right when you're over 40.

But some African names are more outrageous. Mangosuthu Buthelezi's first name translates into "The Lies of the Suthu Royal House"; Mosiuoa Lekota's first name translates into "The One Who Got Left Behind", and President Zuma's own first name Gedleyihlekisa roughly translates to "The One Who Laughs in Your Face While he Messes you Up/Stabs you in the Back".

I know that these three gentlemen can share with you some rich, eye-opening narratives as to the context in which they got their names. They are not just John, Tom or Dick which, to my knowledge, do not mean anything.

You see, it's not as if African parents simply want to be nasty by giving names that raise the eyebrows: when we name a child, we are telling a story, immortalising an event that was taking place in the family, or in the neighbourhood when the child was born.

For example, Zulu guys with the name Thulani will tell you a number of stories behind that name: it's either their mother was not a favourite among her in-laws who kept complaining she was giving birth only to girls.

When the boy finally arrived she sent a message to her detractors: "Thulani!" (Shut up!). Or if not that, she would have named the boy Mfanufikile - "the boy has arrived".

When my parents delivered their fifth child, they named her Zanele (the children are enough). But being good Catholics, they couldn't all of a sudden start using the accursed contraceptives - so they proceeded to deliver three more children after Zanele, even after my parents said they had enough children.

And there are some common Zulu names that when translated can sound odd.

The editor of this paper has a beautiful name, Mpumelelo. Translate that to English and it becomes "Success", sounding very Zimbabwean indeed.

One of my friends is Thandananiwhich is pretty okay; but translate that into English - "Love one another", and it's up there with good Zimbabwean names such as MoreBlessings, Doubt, GodKnows.

While I appreciate why some Zulu men would call their sons Cijimpi (The One who Prepares for War), orMayihlome (To Arms) I cannot understand why some fathers can be so nihilistic as to name their sons Mdubuleni (Shoot Him) or Mhlanganyelwa (The One who Gets Besieged).

My Sotho friends have failed to explain to me why a proud parent would name their child Matlakala ("rubbish"). Or how about Matshediso (condolences)?

Southern Africans are not the only ones who have cheeky first names. Sample this name from the Igbo people of Nigeria: Chiehiura (God Does Not Listen to the Enemy). That's heavy stuff, bru. There must have been some serious fighting either within the family, or in the neighbourhood when this child was born.

Izubundu (Hatred Leads to Trouble) is another Nigerian name I wouldn't knowingly bestow on my child. It doesn't help that izubundu is pretty close to the Nguni word izibunu (backside).

So, the next time you want to name a child, think extra carefully before you call him or her Instagram, or Facebook - just because you're fascinated with these trendy innovations. Names are for life.

l Comments fredkhumalo@post.harvard.edu

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