Ghetto fabulous ones gather at watering hole

MADITABA started partying rather late this week. Only on Thursday did she brave the cold to attend the relaunch of the Union Bar at Melrose Arch.

The bar's new cocktails, hot barmen showing off their redundant glass-juggling skills and, of course, celebs who came in droves, kept the cold at bay.

Maditaba had to put on her mink coat and be there.

I almost regurgitated the lunch I had earlier at all the fake air kisses.

Bumped into (literally) Carol Ralefeta - who was clinging on to her gorgeous boyfriend for dear life. I don't blame her. The guy is hot.

This is Jozi. You can bat an eyelid and find your man gone.

Ralefeta was wearing dirty Converse sneakers with some frumpy top, leaving Maditaba wondering if hobo chic is the new trend for winter.

Sister was rocking the same hairdo she had at the Samas, reminding me of the olden days when we would sleep upright to preserve the "tong" hairdo as long as we could. Geez, wash it off already girl.

Saw some heavy woman in leggings doing some hoochie dance and almost spilled my drink thinking it was Senyaka in drag, that is until I saw that it was former Big Brother contestant Lerato Sengadi.

You can't say anything bad about this girl. She's ghetto fabulous like that - emphasis on ghetto. I must say I loved her look. I think that's what Ralefeta was going for but got off at the wrong station.

Sengadi yapped on about how boring the Samas were and how she had bad seats. Oh! get over it girl. You got the goodie bag, didn't you?

Tamara Dey was booked to provide some entertainment for the evening - which was when I started to question the organisers' budget.

Hardly anyone paid attention to what Tamara was spewing out. She just faded into the background like music in changing rooms. It's there, just like flies are there.

She looked hideous as usual, but that's always been her style: you know, that "dressed by a blind Sunday school teacher" couture.

The highlight was when a journalist asked Roxy Burger what she feels about people saying she looks a bit like Tamara.

Burger, trying hard not to grimace, said: "I think it's a huge compliment. Tamara is amazing and I love her style. I'm very flattered."

I love Burger. She was taught at charm school that if you don't have natural sincerity, fake it.

Either that or a very good PR assistant, which is what Miss Earth South Africa Tamerine Jardine needs.

She has some tea bag remedy that is supposed to soothe tired eyes, and when asked which celebrity she'd recommend it to, her mouth curled and I swear I thought she'd say "Sophie Ndaba", but she ended up saying "Marylin Ramos", the current Miss South Africa. Could there be a nice piece of beef cooking on the braai? She got the title, sweetheart, get over it and go plant a tree or something.

Gasp of the evening was Zuraida Jardine! What on earth has happened to her? Forgetting that she's lost her bubbly personality and has morphed into this sullen, wooden thing.

Perhaps, I'm not getting the pleated-skirt-society-ladies look, which was a big hit in the 1990s.

And her face? It hasn't been 15 years since I last saw her, has it? Zuraida listened to TLC's "you can buy all the make-up that Mac can make" while getting ready and caked it on thick.

They did sing that the wedding cake is tasty but the marriage is not.

Saw Zuraida gabbing with Miss Earth Tamerine. My hope was that Tams was telling her about the tea bag remedy.