Find meaning - not money - in lobola
THE payment of 100 cows by President Jacob Zuma's nephew Khulubuse Zuma as lobola for his Swazi princess has sparked renewed controversy about this customary practice in a modern era.
The wedding gift of animals, food or other material gifts to the family of the bride is a familiar concept across Africa, but its increasingly commercialised face is harming the institution and giving couples a difficult - often debt-ridden - start to married life.
A dowry is commonly understood as the gift of money, goods, or both, offered by the bride or bride's family towards the establishment of her household, whereas a bride price - including lobola - is a marriage payment made by a prospective husband or, more often, by his family to the bride's family.
This custom has increased significantly over the past few years. Instead of condemning it, we would do well to consider what role it plays and its historical meaning.
It is a token of gratitude on the part of the bridegroom's extended family to those of the bride for their care over her and for allowing her to become his wife.
Lobola is a demonstration of how much a young woman is valued by her family and the family she is joining. Despite what critics might say, it denotes respectability, worthiness, and appreciation. It is verification in concrete terms that families have agreed to the marriage of the son and daughter.
Lobola is a sign of approval of marriage by the families. Traditionally, if lobola was not paid, it showed that the family did not approve of the marriage.
Lobola starts the legal process of marriage. It is an expression of honour to the parents of the bride, but also an undertaking of responsibility to the spouse. It shows commitment on the part of the bridegroom and is a serious demonstration of the love of the man for the woman - love not just in words, but also in deeds.
Because of lobola, the husband and wife cannot easily separate and divorce. There must always be discussion with the family members before marital separation.
The problem, then, is not lobola, but the commercialisation of a traditional custom.
Money has replaced cattle and other gifts for dowry.
In many communities, the more educated the woman, the more the prospective husband is expected to pay.
Greed has distorted the whole meaning of lobola.
Linked to this are high wedding expenses, which means that many couples start poor with heavy debts, which puts strain on the marriage right at the beginning.
It is easy then to see why, when the message has been distorted to such a degree, young people might criticise the customs.
The views include that it is an outdated custom, an unnecessary cost adding to the burden of high wedding fees and a sexist practice that encourages men to view their wives as possessions and families to see their daughters as commodities.
Increasingly, young people say they consider the practice to be unnecessary, pointing to other processes that signal the intention to marry.
This in itself it not unreasonable. Customs evolve to support the communities in which they are used.
Lobola is part of a process which signals intention of marriage ahead of spiritual and legal ceremonies. These ceremonies can also be combined into one event so that the couple do not feel they have to go through all kinds of events to get married.
Lobola was so designed that no man, no matter how poor, should remain unmarried because of the importance Africans attached to the marital institution.
We should not allow crass commercialisation to undermine an important custom. In reviewing the role lobola plays in our society, we would do well to review how we allow our relationship to money to define us.
When we define two families coming together by the number of cows paid, the excesses of the ceremony or the high cost of the events, then we diminish the real value of marriage.
Rather than look at our possessions and money, we should look at the contribution we make to our community, our commitment to our partners in marriage and our integrity in our individual acts.
Money is not a status symbol for display at times of marriage. The real status symbol lies in the values we display when we earn, spend, save and give away our money - especially when we make a commitment to do that with another person.
This article is part of a series produced to support the HEARTLINES Money and Values Campaign to encourage South Africans to think about how they earn, spend and save their money.