CAMERON van der Burgh emerged from the Glasgow pool as champion on Monday night, but he spoke like a beaten man.
He had just edged Adam Peaty by two-hundredths of a second to retain his Commonwealth Games 50m breaststroke crown and avenge his 100m breaststroke defeat of two days earlier.
The 26-year-old veteran had slapped down the latest challenge by the 19-year-old Englishman.
Van der Burgh was relieved, but there was no joie de vivre as he spoke about his pain and how he had needed the win to rediscover his love for the sport.
"It was one of the hardest races I ever had to win in my whole life," he said after clocking a Games record 26.76 seconds, not far outside his 26.67 world record.
"Just the mental victory is worth more than any gold medal . The last 48 hours it's been really difficult for me.
"Coming into the competition I had to reassess the values and the love that I have for the sport and I think after the final of the 100m, I walked out there and had no motivation. I was like flat, flat as could be.
"And I lost that killer instinct and those two boys [Peaty and Scotland's bronze medallist, Ross Murdoch] reminded me of what I used to be.
"When I was 18, 19 I used to come out there, try beat everybody. I didn't care what race it was - heats, semis, finals, I'd just go for it. I've turned into this old ballie now and I'm just complacent," he said.
Van der Burgh believes the victory will feed him for at least the next year, presumably until the 2015 world championships.
"I know physically I still have it . but when you lose the mental part of it - that's what puts it all together. It's the most important part," he said.
"I used to come out with this fire in my chest and it just disappeared. And now it's just finding that love again. If you don't love the sport you've got to walk away from it because you're not getting anything."
Cameron overcomes hurdle to take gold
CAMERON van der Burgh emerged from the Glasgow pool as champion on Monday night, but he spoke like a beaten man.
He had just edged Adam Peaty by two-hundredths of a second to retain his Commonwealth Games 50m breaststroke crown and avenge his 100m breaststroke defeat of two days earlier.
The 26-year-old veteran had slapped down the latest challenge by the 19-year-old Englishman.
Van der Burgh was relieved, but there was no joie de vivre as he spoke about his pain and how he had needed the win to rediscover his love for the sport.
"It was one of the hardest races I ever had to win in my whole life," he said after clocking a Games record 26.76 seconds, not far outside his 26.67 world record.
"Just the mental victory is worth more than any gold medal . The last 48 hours it's been really difficult for me.
"Coming into the competition I had to reassess the values and the love that I have for the sport and I think after the final of the 100m, I walked out there and had no motivation. I was like flat, flat as could be.
"And I lost that killer instinct and those two boys [Peaty and Scotland's bronze medallist, Ross Murdoch] reminded me of what I used to be.
"When I was 18, 19 I used to come out there, try beat everybody. I didn't care what race it was - heats, semis, finals, I'd just go for it. I've turned into this old ballie now and I'm just complacent," he said.
Van der Burgh believes the victory will feed him for at least the next year, presumably until the 2015 world championships.
"I know physically I still have it . but when you lose the mental part of it - that's what puts it all together. It's the most important part," he said.
"I used to come out with this fire in my chest and it just disappeared. And now it's just finding that love again. If you don't love the sport you've got to walk away from it because you're not getting anything."
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