Ways to get over your sexual doubts - insecurities can invade the bedroom

Having insecurities is a normal state of mind that everyone goes through. Be it in social circles, or even in relationships.

But did you know that some insecurities extend to the bedroom? Be it body image or the fear of not satisfying one's partner, sex insecurities are real, and can put a damper on one's sex life.

As expected, sexual insecurities vary between men and women.

Clinical psychologist Busi Mthali, who has done extensive sex therapy with couples, unravels some of the common insecurities that men and women have, and how to fix them.

"When it comes to insecurities about sex, I will divide them into two categories. The first is: insecurities that are due to trauma, unresolved issues and stigma, like past abusive relationships or rape," she says.

"These traumas or painful events often lead people to carry the insecurity further and not exploring the pleasures of sex due to their unresolved baggage.

"Then there are insecurities that have been inflicted upon us by society, media and technology that has unfortunately portrayed that to look and feel sexy, you need to look a certain way, be a certain size and/or have certain bodily features."

Mthali explains that the key to getting over sex insecurities is self-awareness and growth, and being open to trying new things.

She says these are some of the insecurities that men have:

lIs my penis big enough?

They say men are often obsessed about size. Be it comparing themselves to what they see in porn films or from the banter they have with their friends.

GET OVER IT!

Mthali says contrary to popular belief, there's more to sex than a big penis. "Technique outweighs it all. Pay attention to your partner, their moaning, breathing; explore their body, ask what they like, and talk.

"Be open and ask your partner what you can do to further their pleasure in bed. "Once you know your partner is fully satisfied with your technique, there won't be any more worries about how big or small you are."

lWill I make her reach orgasm?

Most men tend to be worried of their partner faking it.

GET OVER IT!

Mthali says the key is exploring your partner's body.

Everyone has that spot where they will just explode once you have found it. She advises men to pay attention to what excites their partners.

l I want to sleep after sex

Because women complain about partners who just roll over and sleep after sex, men can be insecure about dosing off after the act.

GET OVER IT!

"I'm going to be frank and say as much as sex is amazing, it is also physically tiring. Maybe a compromise can be reached where you can sleep, but spoon with your partner.

"In that way she won't feel left out in the cold," says Mthali.

Women also have a range of insecurities, and Mthali outlines some of them:

lAm I tight enough?

Some men can be brutal and crude as they believe enjoying sex is associated to how tight their partner's vagina is.

If they think otherwise, they can even gossip with their friends about how they "fell into a hole" during the act.

GET OVER IT

"It's very easy. While this assertion by men that a woman's vagina is big is just pure hogwash. If this bothers you that much, you could try the famous kegel exercises. They really do work."

lI'membarrassedbyfunny noises during sex

GET OVER IT:

"This is really (a) minor problem, and something you need to seriously get over, and fast. It's natural, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Women need to know that men are not even bothered. They don't pay attention to such."

lAm I flexible enough?

Some women worry about being able to twist themselves into a pretzel, and are insecure if they can't.

GET OVER IT!

"If you feel you are not flexible in bed, then for your own physical wellbeing and great sex life you can choose to do something about it. I would recommend gym and yoga. If you are both happy with missionary style all the time, each to his own. Talk about it. Perhaps your partner is not even looking for a gymnast."