YOU used to get butterflies in your stomach whenever you saw your partner and tingled whenever he or she kissed you. Now you cannot remember the last time you were intimate with each other..
If you are not stressing about the credit card, you are talking about the kids, worst still, your bitchy boss.
The relationship has become comfortable, but complacent. The spark that used to be there is gone.
Asiphe Ndlela, a psychologist, says this is normal in most relationships.
"When you first meet, you excrete a lot of dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that generates a feeling of arousal, excitement and exhilaration. As you move into a long-term relationship, dopamine levels lower and many couples get stuck in the desire gap, which means they now have to work at it, whereas before they didn't.
"The excitement and passion and playfulness associated with the beginning of relationships generally starts to wane 6 to 18 months in."
She says before then, romance comes easily. "Lovers touch often, make love, go out together, write romantic notes and buy surprise gifts for each other".
She says studies show that from a biological standpoint, human beings are not built for long-term romance.
"Biologically, the body chemistry that makes hearts flutter during a new relationship is replaced after several years with body chemistry geared more toward attachment."
DON'T CONFUSE LUST WITH LOVE
Banele Maphondo, a marriage counsellor, says once the spark is gone most couples start treating each other with disdain or indifference, which can lead to infidelity and abandonment.
Maphondo says finding a new lover instead of looking at the root of the problem together is the biggest mistake most people make.
"Most people we don't know as well as we know our partner can be misleadingly attractive. If the person has enough traits that appeal to you, your romantic imagination will fill in the blanks with all kinds of irresistible qualities.
"Your partner, on the other hand, is very much a known quantity. You know all their flaws. You've discovered the incompatibilities. The mystery is gone and you can't help but take each other for granted, and you wonder if you should trade for someone new."
He warns that some couples may think that because the physical attraction has lessened, they are no longer in love. This confuses what long-term relationships and marriages are all about.
"It doesn't mean you don't love each other anymore or that the passion and spark is gone for good. What it usually means is there have been some shifts in how time is spent and how priorities are made. This is sometimes more a reflection of societal norms and pressures than it is about how you feel about your spouse. This confuses love and commitment with lust. People forget passion and excitement in a relationship needs newness, mystery and arousal."
He says the most important distinction between men and women in relationships is that women are looking for the perfect soul mate, whereas men are looking for the perfect team-mate.
ADVICE FOR MEN
"If you really want to improve your relationship, give your partner what they want. Buy her roses for no reason other than that you love her. Surprise her with a date, doing something she loves, or start telling her how much you love her. No matter how long you've been together, she will melt."
ADVICE FOR WOMEN
For ladies to be a perfect team-mate Maphondo advises women to set up a project with their men around something you both enjoy doing, and take part fully and enthusiastically.
"Give your partner lots of encouragement, as any good team-mate would. This should be a daily practice. Look for things he's doing well that you can acknowledge, and do so."
GOOD COUPLE ADVICE
What often happens in relationships is that over time, little resentments and hurts don't get addressed, which cause the relationship to lose its spark.
"It's critical the slightest hurt, misunderstanding or resentment be cleared up immediately. Most hurts and misunderstandings are based on incorrect assumptions."
He says many people know they have to change things to get different and more favourable results. But, they may try something and feel rejected or feel vulnerable and then shut down because they feel rebuffed.
"You have to do something because if you don't, then it's possible no one will and the distance between you will only continue to become further and further apart. You are much better off acting now, even if it feels vulnerable and scary, so that you stop any more damage. I always encourage people to do activities that are new together. Attend a new church together, surprise each other with love notes and so on."
When the spark's gone
YOU used to get butterflies in your stomach whenever you saw your partner and tingled whenever he or she kissed you. Now you cannot remember the last time you were intimate with each other..
If you are not stressing about the credit card, you are talking about the kids, worst still, your bitchy boss.
The relationship has become comfortable, but complacent. The spark that used to be there is gone.
Asiphe Ndlela, a psychologist, says this is normal in most relationships.
"When you first meet, you excrete a lot of dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that generates a feeling of arousal, excitement and exhilaration. As you move into a long-term relationship, dopamine levels lower and many couples get stuck in the desire gap, which means they now have to work at it, whereas before they didn't.
"The excitement and passion and playfulness associated with the beginning of relationships generally starts to wane 6 to 18 months in."
She says before then, romance comes easily. "Lovers touch often, make love, go out together, write romantic notes and buy surprise gifts for each other".
She says studies show that from a biological standpoint, human beings are not built for long-term romance.
"Biologically, the body chemistry that makes hearts flutter during a new relationship is replaced after several years with body chemistry geared more toward attachment."
DON'T CONFUSE LUST WITH LOVE
Banele Maphondo, a marriage counsellor, says once the spark is gone most couples start treating each other with disdain or indifference, which can lead to infidelity and abandonment.
Maphondo says finding a new lover instead of looking at the root of the problem together is the biggest mistake most people make.
"Most people we don't know as well as we know our partner can be misleadingly attractive. If the person has enough traits that appeal to you, your romantic imagination will fill in the blanks with all kinds of irresistible qualities.
"Your partner, on the other hand, is very much a known quantity. You know all their flaws. You've discovered the incompatibilities. The mystery is gone and you can't help but take each other for granted, and you wonder if you should trade for someone new."
He warns that some couples may think that because the physical attraction has lessened, they are no longer in love. This confuses what long-term relationships and marriages are all about.
"It doesn't mean you don't love each other anymore or that the passion and spark is gone for good. What it usually means is there have been some shifts in how time is spent and how priorities are made. This is sometimes more a reflection of societal norms and pressures than it is about how you feel about your spouse. This confuses love and commitment with lust. People forget passion and excitement in a relationship needs newness, mystery and arousal."
He says the most important distinction between men and women in relationships is that women are looking for the perfect soul mate, whereas men are looking for the perfect team-mate.
ADVICE FOR MEN
"If you really want to improve your relationship, give your partner what they want. Buy her roses for no reason other than that you love her. Surprise her with a date, doing something she loves, or start telling her how much you love her. No matter how long you've been together, she will melt."
ADVICE FOR WOMEN
For ladies to be a perfect team-mate Maphondo advises women to set up a project with their men around something you both enjoy doing, and take part fully and enthusiastically.
"Give your partner lots of encouragement, as any good team-mate would. This should be a daily practice. Look for things he's doing well that you can acknowledge, and do so."
GOOD COUPLE ADVICE
What often happens in relationships is that over time, little resentments and hurts don't get addressed, which cause the relationship to lose its spark.
"It's critical the slightest hurt, misunderstanding or resentment be cleared up immediately. Most hurts and misunderstandings are based on incorrect assumptions."
He says many people know they have to change things to get different and more favourable results. But, they may try something and feel rejected or feel vulnerable and then shut down because they feel rebuffed.
"You have to do something because if you don't, then it's possible no one will and the distance between you will only continue to become further and further apart. You are much better off acting now, even if it feels vulnerable and scary, so that you stop any more damage. I always encourage people to do activities that are new together. Attend a new church together, surprise each other with love notes and so on."
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