Starting a conversation about money with loved ones is not easy but it has to happen.

Whether it is talking to your family or partner, it is never easy to find the right things to say.

Saying no to those we love, has to be the hardest thing yet if it will lead to us sinking in debt, then it has to be addressed.

I always say to my sisters, when a man says he wants to date me, I want to see their finances. “Show me your bank statement,” I say to some men jokingly.

I will even start a conversation about savings to understand if they include this in their monthly budget or not.

If not, why?

I do this to see how the next person thinks about their money, how serious they are about their personal finance and if they are willing to be open up about it.

Many have failed the test for various reasons. I do not compromise on financial wellness and do not take anyone who does seriously.

There are many reasons for that, including the fact that I love money. A colleague has even given me the nickname “Miss Moneybags”.

I love it for me.

My rules are simple, if I can’t afford it, I don’t break the bank for it.

When I was young, a partner, friends and family left me in debt.

I had a retail store account and people would ask me to buy stuff for them and promised to pay but never did.

I woke up one day and realised I owed more than R12,000 to the retail store and did not have enough money to pay if off.

There was no other option other than making small monthly payments, and when it was finally paid off, I closed the account.

I never got my money from those people who put me in the situation.

I learnt my lesson and moved on.

I’ve become wiser and I’ve rejected so many requests from loved ones to take out loans or buy them stuff.

It caused tensions but they got over it and we’re good. Momentum Metropolitan Group consumer financial education specialist Thabo Qoako says: “When in a relationship, discussing budgets and savings goals may not seem romantic but there is no better pillow talk than aligning on shared values and common goals, relating to personal finances, with your partner.

“Talking about money, in relationships of any kind, can be a source of frustration and tension. After all, you both come from different walks of life, and how you personally interpreted those experiences will probably be different in comparison to each other.

“However, respectful relationships insist that couples acknowledge and appreciate the different perspectives, as well as points of view held by one another.”

Qoako says while empathy, good communication and trust are essential qualities for people in romantic relationships – respect tops the list.

“You do not respect your relationship if you do not care about the financial well-being of your partner. To cultivate a healthy relationship and manage expectations, the right time to start discussing finances, in a relationship, is at the early stages.

“Many times, at the beginning of the relationship, some people go to great lengths to impress by giving extravagant gifts, expensive getaways etc, even if these fall out of their affordability, risking getting into debt. These gestures can be heartwarming but should spark red flags instead.”

Qoako shares three tips on how to positively approach difficult conversations around personal finances:

Practice patience and grace: Being empathetic goes a long way. Listening is critical. Create a safe space for financial discussions by chatting privately until and when you both are in a positive space to discuss money. Expressing gratitude for each other’s efforts in this area helps with wise spending.

For instance, it helps to pause the conversation when emotions flare and to revisit the conversation when both parties are at a more peaceful place. For example, if you spot an expensive purchase on your joint bank statement, address the issue with calmness versus attacking the other person. Be upfront about how this purchase impacts monthly spending and work towards finding a solution together.

Celebrate your wins together and communicate openly: Always ensure that the basis of your conversation remains transparent and honest, and then focus on shared goals to help find your grounding. Couples do not celebrate their achievements as a couple enough, when in fact, doing so promotes positive behaviour, which subsequently, helps them feel acknowledged and appreciated.

Compliment this by improving your financial literacy as a couple, making a date out of your monthly budget and generally encouraging each other to take proactive steps towards financial security and independence.

Address insecurities over salary imbalance: Often, insecurities ruin relationships. Therefore, it is important to address insecurities, linked to salary differences, early in relationships. This necessitates acknowledging the salary disparity through having an open and honest conversation, empathy and focus on shared values.

Part of the solution could include equalising decision-making power and splitting contributions to the household budget fairly.

“In conclusion, being financially smart in love is not just about managing money, but also about building a foundation of trust, respect and shared goals. By openly discussing finances, creating a budget together and supporting each other’s financial aspiration, couples can navigate the complexities of money in relationships while fostering a deeper connection,” Qoako says.

mashabas@sowetan.co.za