No more shows of affection in public, Kate

DEAR Kate Middleton. I am hoping you will read this letter first thing in the morning, while you still have time to pull out of your planned nuptials and be the runaway bride.

You come across as a sensible girl, which is why I do not understand why an educated, free spirited 29-year-old would tie herself to the dysfunctional royal family.

Please do not dismiss my well-intentioned advice as the ranting of a jealous fellow commoner. Trust me when I tell you that I am a hopeless romantic who is pro love, marriage and big weddings with all their pomp and ceremony.

As a recent bride myself, I know that moment when you feel such an incredible love for your significant other and are consumed by that fire.

I am worried that from now on, your love can only be expressed behind closed doors.

What happens when thoughts of your spouse make your heart flutter or he whispers something so loving and kind to you? Are you sure you do not want the freedom to just throw your arms around him with abandon instead of composing yourself the whole time?

You are the first normal woman to enter the Windsor fold and will therefore be the first among previous royal "abomakoti" to feel the pressure and changes.

The royal family may have displayed progressive modern thinking by letting their prince marry a commoner, but in many ways this family is known to still be old- fashioned when it comes to some rules and etiquette.

Today may be your big day, but have you considered how this marriage will impact on your liberties?

From today, you can no longer be called "Kate", but rather the austere title of "Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales" or by your full name "Catherine". Are you sure you are up for this?

And then there is that matter of not being able to cast your vote for a political party of your choice. Technically, the constitution allows you to vote, but in practice royals prefer to be neutral.

In trying to help you see what an untenable situation you are getting yourself into, I found even more astounding obstacles to your true happiness.

I have it on good authority that British royals are never served shellfish because of a fear of food poisoning!

Girl, sorry, Your Royal Highness, that means no prawns, langoustines, crab and horror of horrors, no oysters. Oysters are a must-have aphrodisiac for a randy bride on heat, unless you and your significant other will be holding hands and kissing on the cheek while on honeymoon?

Speaking of eating, did you know that from now on, you have to start eating fast, otherwise you will go hungry and be skinnier than you already are. If your grandmother-in-law, the Queen, stops eating, you stop as well, fork in hand.

You have a History of Art degree so this tells me you are a curious soul with an enquiring mind and a keen interest to discover new things.

It is well-known that a princess or queen cannot have a sterling career. Let's be honest, while doing charity work is crucial and commendable, it cannot always provide the mental stimulation derived from working and applying your mind. Your father-in-law tried to work part time in a factory and failed. Obviously, working on Camilla, part time, was not enough.

Every new bride who changes her surname after marriage practises her new signature when others are not watching. Be careful here because in your position you are strictly forbidden to do this lest your signature be copied or forged.

Remember how your brother-in-law Harry was in the dog box when he broke this rule and signed a plaster cast of a girl who had a fractured arm?

Kate, how are you going to escape the scrutiny should you wish to fart, scratch an itch or burp? We take these things for granted, but it is liberating to be able to do them. But then again, no right-thinking person would give up on love just for the freedom to fart.

Kate, if love has beckoned, march on.