Life is unpredictable, as it is in the movies

Dear Amanda,

Dear Amanda,

You know how I've always said I might go to my grave still waiting for that grand love?

It happened. I don't know when or how, but I felt a slow wave of love wash over me. I fell in love with someone ordinary.

No more painting the town red for me. I have a man at home and even though he has a flabby tummy, he makes me sing songs from church.

I was working in my garden, planting summer bulbs, when it hit me. I realised I missed him. Then a thought asked: What if tomorrow never comes?

Tomorrow came and I went to meet him at the Market Square with Abena in tow. We drove to the Zoo where Barbie for Real, as Abena called her, was to meet her scores of followers.

Some young celebrities were also thrown into the mix. One of them was the reigning Miss Teen South Africa. After the camaraderie trying to get Barbie to sign Abena's autograph, I retired to a movie section to catch my breath.

I was coming down with flu. Ray and Abena wanted to explore other stands. I watched Barbie's new nonstarter movie for a while before picking myself up to announce to them that the flu was getting worse and I wanted to leave.

Abena was cool with the idea, having had a chance to even do her Barbie make-up and a teddy bear temporary tattoo.

Ray was reluctant, not moving an inch from his spot. He stood next to Miss Teen trying hard to get her attention. What the hell? But I was in no mood to interrogate him.

"We'll be waiting in the car then," I said with my feet in motion.

Back home, with him having lied that he could drive when all he did was give me palpitations with his every driving move, I was ready.

We were drinking white wine when I asked for his attention. He was all ears and I coughed it out. I don't know how I said it exactly, but it just didn't sound right, even to my own ears.

It was something to the effect that I thought I was falling in love with him.

He didn't jump for joy or smile or cry. He just sat there looking at his glass, not at all amused. I waited while he seemed to think of something to say.

"What do you want me to say?" he asked.

I looked on in sheer embarrassment. At last his long-awaited response was, "Is that possible?", like an arrogant king and it made him look like a barking dog. So this was a blunder.

I shouldn't have made him feel important in my life even though he was the one talking about Abena's 16th birthday and pledging to be faithful and crosschecking our marriage palm lines.

Was he gay? I mean, he was always fending off male suitors who wouldn't back down. There was one guy at work who just about tried everything to get him to his posh place.

To be honest, I would be naive to think they didn't sleep together that night. Stranger things have happened. I even told Fezi that I seriously thought he might have been a homosexual.

The first time Fezi's new man laid eyes on Ray, he just about went crazy. I pointed it out to Fezi, asking if she didn't find it a wee bit strange that the introvert called her man and was so overly excited when we introduced them.

Fezi said I was crazy. When I started getting calls from Fezi's man, asking about Ray's whereabouts, my suspicions were almost confirmed.

"You see, I'm involved with a man. This man is there, was there and will always be there, wherever I am. We have a long-standing relationship. About two months ago, I asked him for something and I said I wanted it now.

"Two weeks later I met you and I believed he had sent you to me. But soon after meeting you I also met Miss Teen. I feel a strong connection between her and me. Now I'm asking this man whom I should choose between the two of you and I'm hoping that God will shed some light to that effect."

I realise my mistake now. I shouldn't have told him about my feelings because we did start off as shagging buddies.

But the one hilarious point about this whole thing is, guess what? All men think they can shag a celebrity. He really believes that he stands a chance. I'm laughing my ass off.

All men seem to think they can do better, especially the ones with above-average girlfriends like myself.

So no, I'm not kicking him out. I'm staying on just to remind him through the years that Miss Teen is never going to happen.

Yours sincerely,

Miss G