How to maintain side relationships in a time of corona
Can you believe how drastically our lives have changed in the past couple of weeks?
Sometimes I allow my mind to wander and imagine that it is all a dream and that we are all actually fine. But we aren't. This coronavirus thing has flipped the script completely and overtaken our lives as well as what content we produce. So I am afraid this is yet another edition of life in the times of corona.
Do you remember how, earlier on in the year, US president Donald Trump was in denial over the severity of the virus? Denial is never the way to deal with anything, and the US has now overtaken both China and Italy in numbers of infected.
When the Fast and Furious franchise wanted to release yet another movie this year, Covid-19 said "no, sweetie, this year there is only one thing that gets to be fast and furious". It showed up in numbers and in warnings but no, Trump said it wasn't for them.
I want us to be better than Trump - not to deny things that we know and know for sure.
Like the fact that people, at least here in Mzansi, are having marital affairs. The world could be ending, so we can't carry the burden of denying these things any longer.
We are not going to argue about it, it is a known fact. The only argument that I might allow with regards to this, is whether it is women doing the cheating.
What I will say is that it is happening but I am not writing this to measure the ratio of cheating husbands versus cheating wives.
With that established and denialism set aside, the conversation becomes how to make sure your side relationship is still standing after the lockdown.
Extramarital affairs, by their very nature, are meant to be secretive and therefore have most of their operations in secret. Secret phone calls, secret rendezvous and secret texts.
Also, people go to work and go out to meet friends and have all this "free time" to conduct these affairs.
But what happens when a virus comes and says "bosso ke mang?"
Now you are with the person you told the government and your family about and things become a little tricky with maintaining your side relationship.
Firstly, be honest. Ironically, honesty is key in a side relationship. If your side knows everything there is to know about your situation, they are able to better anticipate and deal with any fallout from that. Maintaining this relationship under lockdown is going to be difficult, but don't worry champ, it can be done.
There are some handy tips.
I heard of the story of a married woman who says she and her lover are having silent video calls with sign language because she can't bear not to see him.
Even though they can't hear each other's voices, the lover rests assured that they are missed.
One co-ordinated shopping for essentials with her lover so they would be in the shop at the same time. Yes, they can't kiss, but that slight brushing of hands as you walk down the aisle or catching a whiff of each other's scent will go a long way.
Go to the toilet, a lot! Make up a story about an upset tummy or something. In the toilet you can let yourself be flattered by your lover and wear your smile without worrying about giving it away. Or even send and receive nudes.
Do you have a garden? Guess who loves gardening now? You! Best way to sneak in those voice notes and let baby know you are thinking of him or her.
Of course, if you have money the tips above are cute for a bhozza like you, just send those e-wallets and keep the love burning.
All these tips come from my active imagination and are not a representation of what has happened in my life.