'Dear Siril, don't act clever, sounding stupid always worked for me' - Jeykob of Dubai
Dear Comrade Siril
Do accept my warmest greetings during this cold first winter of your presidency. Even from a distance - I'm in Dubai - I can see that the seat of power you are supposed to be occupying is a tad uncomfortable.
The so-called analysts and civil society are keeping you on your toes, forcing you to put out one fire after another.
On the positive side, Siril, putting out fires should be child's play to someone who for the longest of time has been frying McDonald's burgers. Hehehe, I haven't lost my sense of humour.
To move on. What triggered me into writing this missive was a comment by one Gareth van Zyl, a so-called analyst who dismisses your New Dawn as a turd that has just been polished.
The statement does not sit well with me as it suggests I left some smelly goodies at the Union Buildings. It is statements such as these that tempt me to advise you to consider changing the constitution.
With an amended constitution you can deal effectively with such malodorous personalities as Van Zyl and the rest of the media.
Comrade, if you are to run this country successfully you need to be firm. South Africans are tough customers.
If you're a leader they even check what kind of underwear you have on. Ask poor Eugene Terre'blanche who's said to have favoured green undies with holes in them. Ag, you can't ask him; he's dead; but you get my drift.
You see, I have all the time in the world to make grammatical mistakes without the nation laughing at me as was their favourite pastime.
Interestingly, they thought they were laughing at me while in fact it was the other way round.
Whenever I was in a corner I would deliberately make a grammatical error. By the time they woke up from their laughter, they would have forgotten what it was they were grilling me about. And I would have the last laugh: hehehe!
Don't act clever. If you act clever and talk about New Dawn and stuff you will attract fellow clever people who will take you to task.
You remember how the media, academia and everyone else dealt with the Intellectual Comrade With The Pipe? Remember how his hair went grey prematurely?
When I pounced on him, he was so weak he vacated the seat without even raising a finger. I believe he's been spotted lately having a conversation with a cactus tree which he was convinced was an incarnation of Shakespeare.
Don't ever act clever. Trump acts stupid and look how successful he is in running that country.
A message I want to leave with you: keep talking about the expropriation of land without compensation and state capture.
But make sure you are not sincere because these are two battles you are not going to win. Mention them in public, just for appearances.
When you talk about expropriation you silence Malema and his crowd; and when you go on about state capture you're appealing to the markets. Who are these markets, by the way?
Okay, my writing instructor has just told me I must concentrate on grammar for now. One day I will understand the markets.
Yes, I've been taking writing classes since I left office. I want to write my memories one day. I've had enough of these clever blacks writing about me.
Anyway, let me say bye-bye. Khulubuse has just walked into the room with a lady I asked him to bring.
You know how I love them - chunky and huggable; not the biltong sticks that some of you guys love so much.
Yours, Jeykob (writing his memories in Dubai)