Just quit being a cash cow

My aunt is being interrogated by a man with one blazing question: Are you that bitter? Imagine having to answer this at 2am.

My aunt is being interrogated by a man with one blazing question: Are you that bitter? Imagine having to answer this at 2am.

Her only crime? Having sacked him from her company after she gave him the relationship boot.

Why should she have to deal with the sight of him and pay for his upkeep when she wants nothing to do with him anymore?

Now he's resorted to gathering a support group that is terrorising my aunt.

Yes, he earned both red cards.

"He used to arrive late at work, blaming it on my insatiable nature and then still had enough energy reserved to go and gamble at a casino."

That's a good enough reason for her to sweep him out of her life, wouldn't you agree? I mean, we are facing the worst economic climate and some people have other people's money to splash around.

I put it down to the fact that he didn't really work for the money. Which gives us an answer to his question. Is he that greedy? He feels that he's earned his living just because they slept together?

"It's as if I'm the only one who comes when we get down to it," a friend once once objected in a similar fix.

Guys seem to have made a pact to make women pay for their newly assumed roles as the lesser sex. It's as if we have to go through life apologising for our restored strength by means of footing the bill for everything.

Clearly my aunt is not alone in the slaughterhouse. Erykah Badu, in her song Tyronne, complains: Every time we go somewhere I gotta reach down in my purse. But my aunt said it in isiZulu, a language that can be so concise and brutal it leaves you feeling dizzy.

She would say: "Asidliwa asidliwa!" and that would be shortly after parting with a monthly R500 for this guy's night life.

If you do the maths and multiply the R500s by the 36 months they spent together the total will be R18000. I doubt if the Nigerians pay this much for their escorts. Some people buy cars with that much money.

Yet the "come alone" woman says if she did a sum of the cash spent on her live-in gigolo, she would come up with a house deposit. "Sifelani na?" she asks.

Mdu and Mandoza of 50/50 fame had their own take: "Angithi nathi ni independent?" which loosely translated means: "You said you were independent didn't you?" And my answer is simple. Independent, yes, not a walking ATM.

Yet, I had my fair share two years ago. This bloke with a state-of-the-art laptop and designer watches kept dangling his Land Rover in front of me but after dating for three months with gut-wrenching transactions on my bank statement, I realised even the rich ones are not the answer.

They are rich because they don't spend their money.

"They always ask if you have a loose R100, a R50 note at hand, a credit card quickly and since your focus will be on the returns, you hardly question it," says the "come alone" woman. By the time you wake up you have parted with the equivalent of a 13th cheque.

The inevitable is even more insane. Once a woman has opened her purse once too many times, she rightfully starts thinking she might as well see him through and get him a promotion, a car or a more lucrative deal so he can pay back the money owed to her.

Big mistake. In his head all the birds flying around tell him: "Dude, we could have been doing this forever. We could have worked them into oblivion and walked away with the cash. We'd be far by now. Speak to the penis to get his gird on, we'll make kak with these chicks!"

And as luck would have it, there is no woman more deaf than a cash cow. Friends and relatives will get sacked before a woman makes sense of their roundabout warnings.

I hear some woman is busy wining and dining my Land Rover ex. They have been seen at the heart of every building that shines and business class sections of planes, courtesy of the unsuspecting woman, of course.

She's been telling people about his pipeline deals and all I can say is: mental institution hath no psychosis like a woman fleeced for nothing.

Nothing can come out of a transaction-dependent on a relationship. When a guy loves and respects you, his number one mission is to prove to you just how much he can take care of you.

Even if his source of income comes from the game of dice or a vegetable stand, he will do it just to bring home the bacon.

A guy who sees money notes in your eyes, breasts and other places is there for the killing. Careful you don't kill him first and end up doing time again for knocking him off.

The punishment for fury is worse, even in figurative terms. You sack him from his job and people call you bitter and start treading carefully around you.

Ask my aunt, who has started questioning herself if she isn't a bitter old bag. And she ain't.