My baby-bottom face is a blessing in disguise given the yuck in beards

30 April 2019 - 12:16
By Vusi Nzapheza
The writer says men's beards are hovels for germs.
The writer says men's beards are hovels for germs.

I have many weaknesses but being a germophobe is not one of them. I am careful where I dunk my doughnuts, but I refuse to obsess about those minute critters whose mission is apparently to kill all of us.

Many aeons ago, I was infected with fungal foot as a result of using the communal shower without wearing slippers at a boarding school.

As you would know, fungi is a stubborn bacteria and for years I've suffered the indignity of flesh peeling off the soles of my feet. In the company of the ignoramuses, flesh peeling off is a sign of leprosy.

In a worse-case scenario, fungal foot can cost you a date or rather the happy-ending part of a date.

Believe me, smelly feet have nothing on fungal foot in sending a one-night stand scampering off in fright. Okay, maybe it ranks up there with halitosis, but I do not have much experience in that area.

Take it from me, you don't want to have to explain yourself to a date who recoils at the sight of flesh peeling off your feet. I shaved off my stubble this week after a hectic long Easter weekend.

I refer to my beard as a stubble because despite my best efforts, it has refused to grow. I also have no moustache to speak of. And, as a result, I have failed to participate in the Movember challenge, wherein men grow their moustache and shave it off to highlight prostate cancer.

My stubble is so unruly that it grows in spurts all over my cheeks and chin, resembling an unmaintained soccer pitch somewhere in the bundus. I find it easier just to shave it off although I have noticed that EFF spokesperson Mbuyiseni Ndlozi is hailed as a people's bae for sporting the same unkempt facial hair.

I felt vindicated at keeping my face baby-bottom neat when I read a recent study that discovered that men's beards carry more germs than dog fur. Some ladies have compared kissing a bearded man to kissing a goat, and please don't interrogate me on how they would know the similarity. However, I'm certain few bargained on an innocent romantic kiss being a dalliance with slime and grime.

Study author professor Andreas Gutzeit said the researchers found a significantly higher bacterial load in specimens taken from the men's beards compared with dogs' fur. I guess this is good news for the pet lovers but bad news for those whose culture or religion requires them to grow a beard.

However, before you fuel your pogonophobia (fear of beards) by denying your hairy boyfriend or husband a lip caress, you need to consider that everything is covered by bacteria, most of which are harmless and beneficial.

For instance, an escalator handrail is one of the most yuckiest places in the mall, with urine, mucus, e.coli and faeces found on those rails.

What I am trying to say is that it's relatively safe to kiss the goat in your life. But if you have doubts, my baby-bottom face is here to make kissing the erotic ride it was meant to be.