Married man dragging his feet in making me second wife

Relationship advice from experts.

QUESTION: I'm married and I don't have a social life. Where do I start?

MOM replies:Let me start by saying, your current status quo will slowly kill your marriage. Having a life outside your marriage is necessary. If you don't have a social life, you will be a burden to your husband, especially because his social life will not stop now that he is married. Start by attending social events in your area like a concert, jazz sessions, clash of the choirs. Gym is also a good socialising ground. Go out there and make friends please or throw a party and reconnect with your old friends.

Boitumelo replies:

I am glad you are not like some partners who make the mistake of depending too much on their partners for entertainment and to keep them happy. It's healthy to have things that build and re-energise you as an individual, things that also add value to the relationship. Look at the things you used to enjoy before and build on that. Open up yourself to new things you've never done before. Explore book clubs, running clubs, pole dancing classes, boot camps around your area or volunteer at your child's school or at church and so on. You will soon have friends to do things with. You will run out of data for all the WhatsApp groups in no time.

QUESTION: I have been dating a married man for five years. We have a five-month-old baby. His wife knows about our affair and our child. In the past he has talked about making me his second wife. I don't have a problem with that but lately he is dragging his feet. I really love him and I want a future with him. What do I do?

MOM replies: How many futures can this man have in one lifetime? He is already enjoying his future with his real wife and real children. The only thing you need to get from him is child maintenance. You must go out there and get your own man. That one is taken. It was very short-sighted of you to bear a child with him. There are seven billion people on earth; go find your own man.

Boitumelo replies: A man who really wants you will pursue you until you are his and he will not be making empty promises. You settled for being second and those are the conditions that come with that position. I am surprised you are complaining because you knew that he is already a divided man. His time, resources and attention to your needs will always be second because you agreed to share it with his wife and family, who are most probably his first priority. You are still saying it's fine to be his second wife. Why do you expect him to prioritise your relationship? This is how things will be, and you are already crying about his actions. This is your decision, you agreed to it.

Tshenkeng is a qualified clinical psychologist. E-mail her on tumi.tshenkeng@gmail.com

Mahlobo is a seduction expert, relationship coach and author. E-mail: mandisaomahlobo@gmail.com