"You can't go on an aeroplane dressed like that! Do they even allow people dressed like that inside the airport building? No, you can't."

No, this was not my mother. My wife knows better. This was my younger brother admonishing me. With each word coming out of his mouth, he frowned with utter distaste like a maggot - if a maggot can frown.

Was I proposing to walk onto an aeroplane dressed only in my underpants like that wonderful Nigerian artist Fela Kuti? Nothing that radical. All I had done was to propose going to the airport dressed in shorts, takkies and a muscle top.

My brother has always been the conservative type. He should have been an Englishman of a certain class, from a certain era - the type who won't go to dinner without a tie and a jacket; the type who doesn't slouch at table.

The shorts I was wearing were not even obscene, going as they did all the way just below my knees - if he was worried about me showing off my splendiferous thighs to the public. My takkies were semi-clean, having lasted me the week I had spent at my parents' house in Durban. And I was clean-shaven and smelled of good perfume.

But my younger brother was still of the opinion that it was unbecoming of a "person of your stature to go to the airport like that. What are people going to say - especially those who will recognise your face from TV and newspapers" (as if I appear on TV every day like a soapie star)?

Ultimately, I had to lie to him, "I'll make a change of clothes at one of the change rooms that they have at the airport."

Only then would he relent, albeit reluctantly. Otherwise, he was refusing to drive me to the airport in that "state".

I found myself thinking of this scene at the news that Qantas Airlines had decided to ban shorts, flip-flops and T-shirts "with offensive images or slogans" in their business class lounges.

They insist on "smart casual" as the dress code for their lounges. The ban was implemented earlier this year in Australia, but it has only hit these shores now.

What exactly do they mean by "offensive images and slogans"? Some might find the image of a topless Halle Berry sunbathing offensive. I would find it offensive that someone would be offended by that. You don't interfere with such perfection. You bask in it.

On the other hand, I do feel highly offended when I see people wearing soccer shirts of a gold and black hue, apparently popular in some ghetto called Naturena. But that's just me.

I do tolerate these people at the airport because airports are transit spaces. No one should claim emotional or spiritual ownership of airports - not to the extent of imposing a dress code.

The whole notion of dress code will always be controversial. Wearing a suit and a tie in the sweltering heat of Africa has never made sense anyway. Which is why I am always impressed when I go to West Africa and Arab countries where it is acceptable to go to a business meeting dressed in those flowing robes that are roomy and comfortable.

And I think you can get away with wearing nothing under those. What's underneath a man's kilt is that man's business, the Scots will tell you.

One item of clothing that has never made sense to me is the tie. A shirt covers one's body, a jacket protects one's body against the elements, pants cover one's nakedness. But what does a tie do?

Let's get back to dress code in general. Yes, because we as a society have to live by some social conventions, it is understandable that when you work for a company you get brainwashed into believing in some nebulous "image" and "profile" that the company should project.

But being an airline passenger, why should I be told what to wear? I don't go to the airport to make friends. Nor do I go to the airport to meet my in-laws (yes, you have to dress "sensibly" when you are going for ilobolo negotiations).

I go to the airport so I can get the fastest mode of transportation.

In any case, travelling by aeroplane these days is like participating in a strip show.

When you get to the security checkpoint, they ask you to take off your jacket. And just when you think you're done, and you can proceed, the lady will say, "and your shoes too".

You start walking barefoot through the gate and the metal detector goes "beep-beep" and the lady says in exasperation "but bhuti I told you to take your belt off as well!"

Take it off, take it off .

Now, if I am going to be doing all this public undressing, why does the airline insist on me dressing up?

Come on, we are travailing under too many yokes as it is. We don't need another one - especially not at an airport which, rightfully, is no man's land.

l comments: fredkhumalo@post.harvard.edu