MZANSI'S national cricket captain, Graeme Smith, was on Tuesday seen by millions of TV viewers giving the stumps a mighty kick in frustration after being unceremoniously dismissed for 16 on day one of the third and final Test between the Proteas and Sri Lanka at Newlands in Cape Town.

The kick - which left a mighty cloud of dust - was so violent and ferocious that the lanky skipper almost obliterated the sticks from the face of the Newlands cricket ground.

It was the umpteenth time that Mzansi's opening batsman but serial under-performer was given an early exit under similar circumstances, leaving his long-suffering teammates to cover up for his lackadaisical contribution.

But it was the first time that Smith had shown us his newly acquired skill - kicking, as opposed to batting.

Hanging his head in utter disappointment, Smith made a long and lonely walk back to the stands, from where he later watched in envy as his teammates scored run after run with absolute ease, with Jacques Kallis even going on to achieve two tons plus 24 and contributing impressively to the Proteas' first innings' massive total of 580 for four declared.

As he sat there kicking his heels, Smith must have wondered whether it was not about time that he forgot about cricket and tried his hand, if that is the right expression, in football.

Bafana Bafana, who are slowly and painfully going down the abyss, will be grateful to have such a powerful kicker in their midst.

Who knows, he might even help out-of-sorts national soccer coach Pitso Mosimane kick butt in the under-performing team.

Bra Queen, the ultimate bra

EVERY time Guluva accompanies his wife on her numerous shopping sprees - which is, for obvious reasons, not often out of his own free will - he makes a point of secretly tossing an Ultimo bra into the shopping trolley.

As it is always his credit card that ultimately gets charged at the tills, wifey is unaware of the addition to the "monstrous cargo" until they arrive home. That's when Guluva would whip up the prized asset from one of the plastic bags and, on bended knees, hand it over to the missus while declaring his undying love for her.

The cleavage-enhancing bra is often well received and ensures that there are no more fights in the house, at least not for the next 24 hours.

So it was with dismay that Guluva learnt that the maker of the Ultimo bra, British multi-millionaire Michelle Mone, was being divorced by her childhood sweetheart, Michael Mone, for modelling one of her own bras.

"He was appalled I'd posed in my underwear. He didn't speak to me for days," says the 38kg, 40-year-old mother of three.

She was the victim of her own success, you would say.

But Mone is consoled by the fact that her international lingerie empire is continuing to do well.

But one brand that will definitely not fit in, if you like, with black Mzansi women in particular is the one Mone's company, MJM International, recently created in partnership with leading British retail supermarket chain Tesco.

That is because the line is called, wait for it: "Bra Queen".

• E-mail Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com