Tearing out African hair in grief
ANTHONY Hope Mankwana Papo is one of the most level-headed and pleasant Ain't Seen Nothing Yet deployees you can have the pleasure of rubbing shoulders with.
A keen and rational debater, Papo never minces his words. He loves a good fight, but he is seldom angry.
The closest he came to being angry, though, was last week when he penned a scathing missive in which he expressed his utter disgust at the way some Africans were losing touch with their rich identity by sporting alien hairstyles.
"Why, after a protracted struggle for freedom in the era of African Renaissance, transformation and the retracing of our suppressed and lost identity, are some black Africans, particularly women, dumping their natural African hair and trying to look like Asian and white women by wearing wigs?" he asked angrily.
Who did Papo, a respected member of the Gauteng legislature, first have in mind when he launched this tirade?
Guluva would like to hazard a guess. It must have been Madame Nomvula Mokonyane, Mzansi's own and only pantsula premier, whose newly-acquired blonde hair and fancy wigs have not only become legendary, but are also making an interesting fashion statement.
Poor imitation of 419 scam
The other day a certain Mr Maurice Jerry, allegedly a Sierra Leonean national, tried to pull a fast one on Guluva; but what he did not know was that the battle-scarred, streetwise rascal was several streets ahead of him.
Mr Jerry sent Guluva an unsolicited e-mail, the salutation of which read: "Att.SirMadam (sic)". This was the first clear sign that the man was on a fishing expedition. That's when the red lights started flashing for Guluva.
The man continued: "I Mr, (sic) Maurice Jerry hails (sic) from Sierra Leone. I am here with my cash for investment purposes. Presently I reside in Duban Kwazulu Natal (sic, sic, sic). Please Kindly (sic) contact me on my mobile number . (number provided). Thank you. Yours faithfully Mr Maurice Jerry."
Sorry, Mr Maurice Jerry, to disappoint you. Guluva might be in dire financial straits; but he definitely does not need your cash.
You are not only a monumental fraud, Mr Maurice Jerry; but you are also a pathetic scumbag and a poor imitation of hardened 419 scammers.
Keep your cash; Guluva can do without it.
Thanks, but no thanks
The same can be said for a certain Mrs Helen Mathew, purportedly a promotions manager of "UK National Lottery", who wrote to Guluva recently, saying:
"Dear Email Account Holder. We are pleased to announce you as one of the lucky Winners (sic) in the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY draw held on Friday 17th September 2010. All 3 winning (e-mail) addresses were randomly selected From (sic) a batch of 5000000 international emails. Your Email (sic) address emerged alongside two others as a third category winner in this month's draw.
"Consequently, you have therefore been approved for a total pay out (sic) of £800000 Pounds (sic) (Eight Hundred Thousand Great Britain pounds Sterling) only."
This translates into a whopping R8,7million. That's a lot of moola by anyone's standards. But Guluva has been around the block a number of times to know when someone is about to fleece him of his meagre savings.
Thanks, but no thanks, Mrs Mathew. Guluva will get by with the little that he has.