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He hides his cellphone because he is cheating

By Dear Dudu | Jan 04, 2013 | COMMENTS [ 287 ]

I am a married woman and knowing that my husband is not completely honest with me is killing me.

For many years now he has been hiding his cellphone from me. It started many years ago when I read SMSes from a woman with whom he had a love-hate relationship.

I have no idea whether they had an affair because when I confronted him about it he denied it. People gossiped about it at the time and it hurt me terribly.

Anyway, she is now living in another country, but I know they are still very much in touch. Once or twice, when he forgot to hide his phone, I read messages that she had sent him. These were messages that only lovers, not friends, would write to each other.

He takes his phone with him wherever he goes, even to the toilet and to the bathroom when he is having a shower. When we sleep he leaves it to charge on his side of the bed.

Please don't tell me to talk to him because I did that already and it only ended in arguments.

In fact, he made me feel like the guilty party.

He is a good man and we have no other problems, but his deviousness is making me very miserable.

I sometimes feel that I should just leave him because his behaviour is killing my love for him. I have sleepless nights just trying to figure out what they are saying to each other.

Please tell me what to do.

Miserable wife, Laudium

Dudu's response

I am sorry that your husband is making you so miserable.

I think your suspicions are justified because his behaviour is not normal. Also, you have seen the evidence in the inappropriate SMSes.

You say he is a good man, but he is certainly not a good husband because if he were he would not hurt you by treating you the way he does.

You say you don't want to hear this, but the only way to solve your problem is to talk to him.

It is better to argue and to know what is going on in his head than to suffer in silence as you are doing.

If you are thinking of ending your marriage he should be made to understand that you are serious and hurting terribly.

COMMENTS [ 287 ]

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somaartakeit

... also he does his part whilst on board of the feminist boat, he makes tea for my feminists friends when they visit so all the sisters agreed that he should not be abused, lol
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You are kidding right!?!?!?

It think it is Unathi - the Metro FM DJ - who said a man should not be stripped off his balls, enough said.

Jan 04, 2013 2:5 | 0 replies

correction to my note to Dzel, beginning of the year (not day) I just say and it is still 4th of Jan for God's sake, btw Dzel and other males who carry same views as you, you really really need to realise that more than anything women express their fears based experience to them personally or their peers these crimes we read about we witness and express, so give us space to express this and you can suggest what do you think should be done to minimise risk or curtail this unpleasant horror movie altogether instead of rushing in to try shut us down, all my views esp today have been gender unbiased, of course I do emphasis that women must be empowered so that they can be self-sufficient and prevent possibility to themselves of being shackled up with an abuser because he is providing for her.

Jan 04, 2013 1:35 | 0 replies

Questions that should be asked regarding these femicides is did she not see the signs even before he first lifted his hands to her. When getting into a relationship you need to look at the signs for potential danger and when you see them run like hell and never look back. A possessive man who will ask you where you've been, with whom and what did you drink, etc is a psycho. He does not have to beat you up for you to see he is possessive, possessive men are dangerous and are most likely to end up abusing or even killing your partner.

The signs are always there but we choose to ignore them for whatever reason until tragedy strikes and then we act surprised. Similarly there are signs that will tell you if the guy is a keeper, you just have to know how to read these signs.

Learn how to choose the right partner and you will avoid psychos, saying all men are bad is symptomatic of a lack of analytical ability.

Jan 04, 2013 1:35 | 0 replies

@McGeez no worries mate *winks*

Jan 04, 2013 1:28 | 0 replies

@Dzel, please don't make this about Proud_Lady personally, cause its not really! for starters this year alone we have no less than 6 femicide reported since begining of the day reported nevermind the ones that are not reported, one could be forgive her for believe that men (in SA) are potentially violent towards their spouses, even now on another article here on Sowetan some ppl saw it fit to take time off from work to go support a violent policeman who shot his girlfriend and her friend, this means violence generally is condoned, you know this I don't know why you are on Proud_Lady's case for expressing her fear of what men are capable of doing, its her fears she entitled to express them, come on

Jan 04, 2013 1:27 | 0 replies

somaartakeit

@Dzel before you accuse me of being ultra feminist, I need you to understand how it must feel as a woman growing in chauvinistic culture or social structures
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Believe me I am no accusing you of anything I have not explored in detail. You are an ultra-feminist and at times you misunderstand what feminism should be about and you end up fighting the wrong battles that is why I can tell you without a shadow of doubt that you are single.

To you every man is the enemy, it will be difficult to maintain a relationship with that mentality unless it is a same sex relationship.

Jan 04, 2013 1:27 | 0 replies

@Proud_Lady
04 Jan 2013KatakataEmaotoAditshepe
@Proud_Lady

Like in yesterday’s news...some police man shot his wife 9 times in front of their baby, because she cheated. Shame the boyfriend managed to run off he was not even ashamed to come into view on TV to tell us about how he managed to escape.
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Per you who's bearing the blame for the that Proud Lady?
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Go figure that one yourself, but what I can tell is this " any event or situation where MEN are involved it ends in tragedy thats all.
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Okay but imagination sometimes is not knowledge or the result and know that yours might differ to orthers.

Jan 04, 2013 1:26 | 0 replies

@somaartakeit
and another thing ladies and gentlemen abuse and cheating happens cause someone in those relations is willing to participate and is also enabling such a behaviour to thrive, so guys all is fair in love and war.
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Good point!!! I think cheating is a lot of hard work and as Abraham Lincoln once said; no human being has such a perfect memory to be a good lier (paraphrased). The point is you are going to be caught if you are cheating; it is a matter of when!!! By the way I liked your other analysis above as well (even though lengthy), but it was very factual and not emotional. I like that in a debate.

Jan 04, 2013 1:26 | 0 replies

Proud_Lady

Go figure that one yourself, but what I can tell is this " any event or situation where MEN are involved it ends in tragedy thats all.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Either that or you can improve the way you choose them, not every man is a monster and maybe you turned a potential life partner away because ll you could see is a gremlin.

We are all individual with individual characteristics and personalities. Saying you hate men is like saying you hate white people but we all know white people come in different shapes and sizes and are different individuals, the same thing applies to blacks, Indians and others.

Be very careful of generalisation because you've been hurt before. Be angry at him or them, not the entire male population.

Jan 04, 2013 1:22 | 0 replies

@Dzel before you accuse me of being ultra feminist, I need you to understand how it must feel as a woman growing in chauvinistic culture or social structures, with time one becomes vigilent against such chauvinistic/machoistic tendencies, and in my situation right now having tested how it feels like to not be made to feel afraid to express myself in the way I dress mini etc to not be expected to conform to the norms, I can tell you now that the gender issue or beliefs towards this in SA I can fully understand women becoming to feministic, we have to embark on drastic measures to deter the chronic chauvinists and their tendencies, believe me we need to do this.

Jan 04, 2013 1:21 | 0 replies

@China-man
No Pah King
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King Pah No

Jan 04, 2013 1:21 | 0 replies