Sun Jun 25 10:48:33 SAST 2017

Uncle Jeff could teach young beaus a thing or two about requesting nudes

By Kwanele Ndlovu | 2017-06-19 15:22:04.0

Minister makes an impression with the expression of his heart’s desire, complete with its precise geolocation.

Many powerful men have been weakened by the love for a woman and the pursuit of passion.

However, none of us were ready for a senior citizen’s request for nudes – especially through such a formal and consequential instruction.

I have known older men to  always be poised and certain in their demands, but none as precise  as  Minister Jeff Radebe’s correspondence with his nubile photographer.

In a direct text, Uncle Jeff managed what would normally take an  ordinary young man three months, a few dinners and some French bubbly to achieve.

He requested nudes. Actually that’s an understatement. He gave the precise geolocation for the item on demand, clarified that it must be photographed, then went the extra mile to spell it out,  to eliminate any confusion.

If anything, I think all men can learn from  his  directions – there are knees and toes down there, so best be specific!

I can forgive Uncle Jeff  though – okay, I’m inclined to call him Thami after discovering his fondness for the younger things in life.

A man can only take comfort in pictures when his memory has faded and the reality is far from his reach.

So, being the strategist and acute statesman that he is; he opted for the girl who has mastered handling the camera, obviously expecting high pixels and focus with good lighting and emphasis on the subject matter.

But then you get the men who spend anything more than a year in a relationship with a woman, persistently serving mediocre coitus. Then, when she is out living her best life, he sends a meek request for nudes, at 10.20am. The night after he, again, switched off the lights before slouching into bed for some curtailed copulation.

He would have had all the opportunity to find out exactly what lies down there, in living colour, live! Usually such culprits even close their eyes in the dark... then want to see it in photos? Why?

No! Such an agent of doom does not deserve nudes.  He needs to visit the Union Buildings and beg for a lesson from Uncle Jeff on where to find the c.l.i.t.

The exchange of nudes is a risk one should take at least at a promise of a happy ending. Not all lovers are worth the thought of your bare assets lingering on the internet awaiting one good hacker to ruin your reputation.

However, in ordinary circumstances of beaus and suitors who are genuinely excited by such sights, any consenting adult should oblige. After all, we have all learnt not to depict our faces in nudes. You dare not! The reason the minister’s direction strictly said “down there” is because the areas of interest are nowhere above your neck.

So, exercise  caution while you spice up your love life with a nuance of sultry imagery. But, there is the inherent challenge of crouching in front of the mirror holding your phone upside down while scared you might mistakenly press the share button and send the image to a WhatsApp contact.It’s just too messy.

I have learnt  the best way to meet the demand for nudes is to google, save, filter, and send to all. Yes, you can send the same image to as many recipients as you please.

The internet is flooded with ready-made solutions, in all forms and complexions.  All you need to do is search for exactly what your Thami is requesting this time around. So, I encourage the gents to duly send data while anticipating the nudes.

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