Relationship advice from experts

QUESTION: I'm 23 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for five years. I have been cheating ever since I met him. I have stopped cheating, but my man always beats me up. He doesn't believe that I have stopped. I have learned that cheating is not good. I want to be loved again. Please help me!

MOM replies: You have been dating and cheating since you were 19? I want to talk as a mother now and not as a relationship coach. How far did you go in school? Are you currently employed? Where do you see yourself in five years' time? I would advise you to forget about men a bit and focus a lot on improving your life. Work on you. You clearly are missing something and keep looking for it from men.

Boitumelo replies: Sometimes we are socialised into certain lifestyles or we have a void in our lives that we try to fill with unhealthy lifestyle choices, which in your case is promiscuity. It would benefit you tremendously to seek counselling to re-learn healthy coping skills. You have stopped because your boyfriend beats you up, but it's not because you want to change. You have not owned up to your problem and until then you might struggle to get it under control.

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QUESTION:  I'm a single mother and have one daughter. I broke up with my boyfriend 10 years ago. All the men that I date are not serious about having a relationship with me. All they want is sex. The only man who seems to want me seriously wants a kid from me, but he has a girlfriend. What should I do?

MOM replies: The first thing you need to do when you are in a new relationship is to close your legs. You may be falling into a trap of giving it up too soon thinking it's a way to secure the relationship. Learn the art of charm and also give yourself time to learn about this new man.

Boitumelo replies: When you say all men you date want sex and not really a relationship with you it suggests that maybe they sense that you are desperate and you will fall for anything. Even the boyfriend whom you regard as serious wants a child from you whereas he has another girlfriend. What does he take you for, a fool? Can you conduct an introspection on how you project yourself in a relationship or dating context?

Boitumelo Tshenkeng is a qualified clinical psychologist. E-mail her at tumi.tshenkeng@gmail.com

Mandisa O. Mahlobo is a seduction expert, relationship coach and author. E-mail her at mandisaomahlobo@gmail.com